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Need some positive vibes.


Daswulf

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Me and my SO are pretty much done. 

Funny sort of why we didnt get married.  

Anyway we are finally admitting we are done. We have two small children. 

We have to figure stuff out right now and I need some positive thoughts and prayers. 

I have been sole provider and miss out on so much with the girls. 

Dont know what to say really. 

Just need some prayers and positive vibes. 

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  I am sorry to hear this Aric.  I will say a prayer that things work out in the best positive way for you all.  I'll be sending you all the positive vibes I have, too...

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Our thoughts and prayers are with you.  Just remember that the absolute over riding consideration is what is best for the girls.  Everything else comes a distant second.  Anything you or she can do to minimize the trauma or improve their situation is the way to go.  That is also what will help you get through this.  This is part of being a Dad. Trust Uncle George on this.

GNM

PS I don't know how amiable or rancorous the splitting is but you, as the girls' father, have as many legal rights as their mother.  It does not matter that this is not a formal divorce.  If you need to talk to an attorney, do so.  You may have to get a court order defining parenting rights, visitation, and child support.  My experience is that the more detail, the better.  That way you avoid future disagreements over who pays for braces or prom dresses or tuition and where the kids spend Christmas or birthdays.  Also, consider the potential and problems if one person moves a distance away.  The more you have down in writing the better because it will avoid future disagreements, heartache, brain damage, and problems in any future relationships either of you may have.

PPS  this is really tough but all of you can get through it.  If necessary, be the grownup in the room.

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Very sorry to read this. I hope you can work things out amicably for the sake of the 2 of you as well as the kids. 

For some reason I have been asked multiple times to act as an adjudicator when people have split up and divided their things, perfectly normal rational people going to war over wanting the £40 toaster because it toasts perfectly but she wants it because it matches the kettle that is in her pile helps no one. 

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I like so many other folks, probably on this forum have witnessed many friends and acquaintances go through this. It's painful now, but after everything gets settled, in the end, the one consistent thing I have noticed is there are no regrets later.  Your in my thoughts and prayers.

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I am very, very sorry to hear this, and you have all my prayers and good wishes as you go through this difficult time. Uncle George's advice is good; my only addition to it would be to remember that whatever negotiations you have to go through are about arranging a better future, not changing an unchangeable past. Here's hoping that you and she can come to an arrangement that is best for the girls and better for you apart than you were together.

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That’s terrible news Das, I really hate to hear that, 

it seems like it was just yesterday you showed us your cute little candy eaters in their wagon on Halloween havin a good time

It’s very painful when work gets in the way of spending time with your little ones, I let my shop consume me an caused friction here until I had the epiphany that the customers don’t care and it won’t kill ‘em for me to shut down on weekends an holidays, so I could spend more family time goin an doin things

I wish I had some sagely advice that could help you feel better right now, 

All I can think of is do what you can in your power to lesson the impact on the girls

make sure your spending what time you can spare with them so you can build a strong relationship

Your a smart an strong guy! Your gonna make it through this! 

Also make sure you get another wagon for all those awesome adventures you an the girls will be taking! 

If there’s anything i could do to help lemme know,

im sending you a trainload good vibes!

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Thank you all.

Good advise George.

Things aren't an issue. I can find anything I need to replace what she would take.

My only concern is the kids. This will be very hard at first and I have no idea how it is going to go but I will do everything in my power to give the kids a good safe and moral life. 

 

 

 

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I only have a very little to add to what Uncle George said. Be VERY SURE the girls know in their hearts that they are NOT the reason Mom and Dad are splitting up! 

I have friends and acquaintances with parents who divorced when they were little that know now, 40-50 years later it had nothing to do with them but still have (maybe Feel is a better term) doubts. 

This is going to be hardest on them, please make it as easy as possible. The girls are first on my prayer list though you're all on it. My wishes are for the best results all round. 

I really need to find a happy thought. 

Frosty The Lucky.

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Thanks.

Totally agree Frosty. It has been on my mind a lot today. It will be hard on them and the Last thing I want is them to feel any guilt over something that is not their fault. 

I think in the long run this will be better for us all as Liz and I are pretty much in a toxic relationship and hopefully could be way more civil and healthier apart. 

We are going to try to have a sit down talk and see if we can come to some agreements tonight. We both agree it will be better if we can come to fair terms outside of court.

I will be cautious. 

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It appears that this will not be an issue for Das but since Dax brought up property division I will mention a technique that I have seen used and is elegant in it's simplicity.  One person divides everything into what they feel are two equal groups and then the other one decides which group to take.  It works with siblings and cake, too.  One cuts, the other chooses.

Unfortunately, perfectly rational people who once wanted to spend their lives together who are splitting up often buy a ticket on the crazy train.  Property division can get particularly strange. One may not want X but will fight for it because he/she knows the other will want it and does not want them to have it out of spite.  These are often the same folk who will blow off more important things like custody arrrangements for the kids.  They say "oh, we'll work that out later" and then World War !!! breaks out over who spends Christmas where.

"By hammer and hand all arts do stand."

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  I agree, your daughters interests are most important.  I should have said that in my first comment but I thought it covered everything.  I am loathe to advise on certain things because of my own past.   On the bright side, it all worked out wonderfully.  Hang in there no matter what.

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Das, I'm not one to give advice (twice divorced) but George N.M. has given the best about contacting a good attorney. Both times mine saved a lot of heartache on both sides.

Now what hasn't been mentioned is counseling. In my 29 years as a LEO and dealing with domestic disturbances, I have seen relationships repaired through a good counselor. Just food for thought.

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I have seen some of the most toxic relationships meraculacly cured but removing the domestic relationship from the picture. I have a few friends who are friends with their exes as this far better parents for it. 
Knee bent, anvil rung for you and yours

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George, I like that as well. Might help with the daughters squabbles.

Scott, no worries. I'm hanging in. I've gotten through some dark times in my life. This is scary to me for my daughters sake. 

We've not seen a counselor. Maybe early off it could have helped. Who knows. We are just different stubborn animals now.

Charles,  I almost think that we could be better friends and parents than partners at this point. 

It will be difficult to start but I think it could be better. Or who knows. I'm not trying to fool myself at the moment. It could go either way. 

 

 

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I could be wrong but I think the suggestion re. a counselor, included helping get you two through the separation with minimal friction. 

Whatever happens we're pulling for you.

Frosty The Lucky.

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Well that might be smart but who am I to resist being a stubborn idiot.

So, we talked.  Pretty calmly. She was a bit pushy but it wasn't too bad. She wants to go to NY because that is where she grew up and has friends and family"support group" she said,  but will find a place here to keep the kids in the same school and not make it too hard. Other stuff was discussed but obviously nothing is concrete yet. So this will obviously be the road we are going down. She is working on housing and a job. 

We agreed to work on slowly and as gently as possibly telling the kids what is going on. (Tho, I sensed the usual kinda more worried about her then them) ugh.. 

I appreciate the prayers and good thoughts. I think it helped me keep cool and rational since obviously emotions have been running high.  There were some jabs she threw out there. I kept calm and didn't take the bait. 

Just have to remember to keep breathing. Remain calm. Be rational. 

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Sounds like a good initial discussion. Glad to hear it.

15 hours ago, Irondragon ForgeClay Works said:

I have seen relationships repaired through a good counselor. 

Very true, and sometimes the repairing of the relationship (as Charles notes) comes through the ending of the domestic partnership. The question isn't "How do we get back to what we thought we had?", but "How do we move forward to what's best for everyone?" It's easy to get caught up in the pain of the moment, but patience and long-term perspective will pay off in the end. If you find yourself getting frustrated or angry, don't be afraid to say, "Let's come back to this when things are more calm." Find some way to work through that anger and frustration so that it doesn't come blazing out at the wrong place and time.

All the best for all of you.
JHCC

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I'm so sorry to hear this. I wish you all the best. My only advice, short term and long, is to always remember the good of your relationship and downplay, not forget, the bad. With me and my divorce, it enabled us to remain friends. I believe this is the best for all, especially the kids.

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