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A little help.


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You guys and gals are great always. I've been told not to exclude myself before in prayers so ok. I would really appreciate a mention above for help with self improvement. I'm letting people down and just feel like I'm doing all I can but it's not enough at all. I have issues with depression and don't communicate well. I at times don't show affection like I should and it leads to arguements. Most of the time I feel like I am being attacked on it but some I know to be true I'm just so tired and beat that I have no good answer for. I'll tend to shut down or get angry. I'll think things are getting better but they aren't. It seems to me that it's barely been a few months and I'll get there, while the other seems like it's always like that and forever will be. 

I have been in darker places but I'm just asking for a few words up above to help me get straightened out. I'm still debating on talking to a doctor about my depression but i really don't want to be put on drugs. Bad enough I can't remember to take vitamins let alone if I got off a medication. Honestly I dont think I need medicated over just some self improvement in my health and habits. 

I feel selfish even if my longer term goals are not. But I also feel in my gut that I'm already doomed. Heck #1 biggest improvement would be to quit smoking. Is it just addiction or self hate that I cant seem to get rid of it? Quitting drinking would be easier but I just prefer to feel knumb. I Can go without drinking tho. I'm not talkative or as compassionate as I guess I should be when I should be. 

I don't know if I'm totally wrong or if I'm just not being given enough time to work on "fixing" myself. Could use some help from above. Maybe just a quick mention. 

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I feel I dont need it to be honest. But also things like my lack of affection to my SO always comes up. If I Did take something and i wasnt myself things could be worse than that even. I should talk to my doctor regardless. Its been a while since I've seen one. 

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Das: Stop judging yourself! Stop trying to FIX yourself! Right now you're doing something very common and unproductive, you're diagnosing yourself so you're trying to cure things that just don't exist. 

If you can stop thinking there's something wrong enough to need fixing you'll lighten up on yourself and be able to show affection. You can't show affection if you're feeling bad. 

Try just pretending to be feeling well, you'd be surprised how much difference it makes if others think you're feeling better. The good vibes will make you feel like matching the act. 

Does that make sense?

I pull myself out of the dark by going to the mall or a shopping center and holding doors, helping load packages. The local building supply is a good place to find folk who could use a hand. Sometimes I don't even ask, I just grab the other side of a sheet of plywood and help load. I've yet to be run off doing that. The smile you get lifts weight off like you won't believe.

We've talked about this before. You're one of the good guys, believe it, I SAY SO! We all have down days, don't dwell on it, it will pass if you let it.

Be well Brother, we're pulling for you.

Frosty The Lucky.

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Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. It needs drugs to restore the balance.

There really shouldn't be a stigma around it.

If you had asthma, you wouldn't stop taking medication just because you know the room is full of oxygen.

Equally, people don't go around squinting when they need glasses to assist with their issues.

Just because you can struggle on doesn't mean you should suffer when you can get the aid you need to live an easier life. 

Talk to your loved ones, seek medical assistance. They'll keep you on the right path and make sure whatever the treatment is, is the right one for you

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Start by bringing your wife into the conversation and decision making. Being included will let you fight the problem together.  She can see small changes and better alert you to what is happening.

Finding a good doctor to medically check things out and look for imbalances has been suggested. You do not have to stick with the first doctor you find as doctors differ in both their knowledge and the treatments they suggest. 

To improve the now, make a list of things you need to do, from cutting the grass, to sweeping floor of the house, to changing the oil in the car. Choose one simple and short task and turn your attention to finishing the task and marking it off your list. Success !! One accomplishment done and one item off the list.

Make a point of being at home on time and eating dinner with the wife. You clean up for her and clear the table. If the kitchen trash is full, then change the trash bag. Again success and one item off her list of things to do. The small things add up.

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I am glad that you opened up concerning your depression, and posted here.

Here we have your back.  You are amongst many friends who will lend a hand when asked.  (as we have, already, started doing so, here on this thread). 

Most people will have at least one major bout of depression in their lifetime. Many of us, here, have already mentioned that they have suffered from depression.

You are not alone.

One of the insidious symptoms,  is a loss of perspective, together with withdrawal from friends, family, and most other people.

That is something that you can run it in your mind, to check that this is so in your case.  If that is the case,  try to make contact with them.

You say that you are reluctant to take medication.  (perhaps you feel that you should tough it out.) 

But you are already on medication.  You smoke cigarettes.  Nicotine is a very powerful drug.

Having a new born girl  is a tremendous change for you and your wife.  Children,  especially infants, are physically and emotionally demanding and draining. Think about that.

Glenn is right, seek medical help.

A very good way is to ask a nurse for her opinion concerning good doctors. And make an appointment for the very near future.

There are many anti-depressant medications available to them.  The right  pharmaceutical can work wonders.

Regards and good wishes,


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Excellent advice on asking a nurse. Nurses know EVERYTHING. 


 The comment about perspective is very insightful and absolutely true. Depression is like one of those funhouse mirrors that distorts the image of everything you look at. Proper treatment (whether pharmacological or otherwise) is all about making the mirror smooth again, so that you can see everything in its proper place and proportion. 

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Brother, it’s no longer about you anymore. It’s about your wife and child. Parenting and marages are chalanging enough with out struggling with untreated depresion. 

This kind of thing can destroy both relationships, so get help sooner than later. 

Medication may be part of treatment but therapy is a must, and one would recommend bringing the missus or beter yet starting some kind of couple counseling to help you two understand what’s going on and how to not let it effect your relationship. 

Depretion is one thing (you shut down, tired all the time, withdraws) but disphoria is its evil brother, and it’s a killer ( anger, suisidal ideations). Don’t mess around with them, not only are you risking your relationship with your wife and child, but your life as well.

and you won’t be the only one who forgets his meds.


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Aric, I think you are courageous for recognising that all may not be so well and asking for help. I am not a doctor or psychologist and cannot offer medical help, but please know that you have so much sincere and genuine support from your many friends on this forum. I have read hundreds of your posts here and have gained great inspiration from what you do. It is also evident from your posts that you, Das, are one of the good guys. On many occasions your comments have revealed you are a compassionate and kind person with a lot to offer those around you. I might be on the other side of the world, but like everyone else here, I do hope you manage to get back on track soon.

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11 hours ago, Charles R. Stevens said:

therapy is a must

Agreed, my wife suffers from anxiety & depression. She was seeing a talk therapist that passed away several years ago. She didn't think that she would need any further therapy. She has now found another therapist that has made a difference in her condition.

Another thing to think about is postpartum depression does not exclusively effect the mother. When my boys were born way back when, I suffered from it a lot, talking with someone that has experienced it helped me a lot.

Mrs. ID chiming in. First and absolutely I'll be sending up prayers of support for you. I have dealt with this condition for a lot of years and have a great understanding for what you have posted. One thing for sure is don't ask yourself for the unachievable. Like quitting smoking right now. Doing this just sets you up for failure and increases your depression.

Look to your family, especially on your mother's side. Depression is an inherited trait. It's a brain chemical imbalance. That's why you should see your medical doctor first. My MD was able to connect me with the proper "type" of talk therapist, a practitioner of Cognitive Therapy. While I do have to take medications, there are numerous treatments out there that don't include drugs. I'm aware that you would prefer not to take any medications, but please know that the drugs have come a long way. In no way do I feel that my meds make me feel like a zombie. They just take the rough edges off. Please take care of yourself, and know that we are all here for you. Blessings.



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I Really appreciate all the support. I believe I will call my main doctor (which has changed let alone have i seen them in a while.)"office" Tomorrow and scedule an appointment. 

I will be open and honest with them and see where it goes from there. I've  been having health concerns anyway and i always put it off.  

Again I really appreciate all the ideas and concerns and caring. At the moment the words in prayer mean the most. I know i need help andpartly Elizabeth too. No one ever seems to accept me how I am and I mean well but when external things that I care deeply about drag me down I crash hard. When things seem ok it's like the universe is in perfect order. 

My main thing is me trying to get my shop cleaned and organized, secondis the house basement and attic. Its years of accumulating (not only mine) and when i get like this it shuts me down. ( by the way I'm horrible at explaining myself lol) 

My family has a history of depression. I see it in my middle brother and mildly in my oldest. There probably is something to that " runs in the family". I'm usually good but women that dont understand me that need more affection than I can give usually mess me up. Thought I found one that #1 accepted me for who I am, and #2 wanted a child with me. Well we got one part right. I agreed to try to improve but I feel im not given enough time. Neither of us are perfect ( who is.) I accept her for who she is and she even brought up that I dont get mad about the small stuff because " the small stuff is big to her" its because im older and been through that and don't sweat the small stuff and forget it. Hah, where am i going with all this. 

 Again I appreciate the thoughts and prayers. I have a mountain to move and a tornado to clean up and an impossible task of getting myself better. I'll do my best. I really need a few days to get right after I get blown up on.  I really do try my best. Even if it's not good enough. I love them both with all my heart but I feel Elizabeth doesn't get what I'm trying to do right now so everything will be better and ready when Ayana is a little older and remembers this stuff. 

Anyway, off to bed and fate.

Sorry fo rambling and never enough info. I'll reread all the replies again tomorrow when I'm less in a daze. 

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Das, I’m late to this thread, but wanted to add that talk therapy is considered  the gold standard for depression, rather than meds.  We like to throw meds at things, but it isn’t always the best solution, maybe just the fastest (though not actually fast, typical antidepressants take 4-6 weeks minimum to reach “therapeutic level.”). I do understand not wanting to go there, so just sayin consider asking your doc to refer to a good therapist.  I’ve used one many times across the years, sometimes having someone to both listen and to tell you where you’re hurting your own cause is absolutely invaluable.  And thanks to Mental Health Parity laws, Insurance has to cover it like any physical illness.  

Best of luck, it’s a marathon, not a sprint.  

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6 hours ago, SpankySmith said:

talk therapy is considered  the gold standard for depression, rather than meds.  We like to throw meds at things, but it isn’t always the best solution, maybe just the fastest

How can talking possibility fix a physical problem of chemical imbalance? 

That's like you telling me I don't need asthma inhalers when I'm struggling to breathe because there is plenty of air in the room.

I get that doctors can be a bit pill happy and hand out things like vallium for a quick 'fix', but that isn't a proper depression treatment. 

Completely agree on the need and success of therapy, but not with the dismissal of proper and appropriate medication

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Not dismissing meds at all , but research shows talk therapy is most effective.  Just the facts.  Yes, there are biologically based forms of depression for which meds are the best option, but most depressions yield better to therapy.  Look it up , I actually have a degree in psych, I'm not talking xxxxxxxxxxxx.  In cases of clinical depression it's often a mix of meds and talk that does it.  All I'm saying is meds aren't necessarily the ticket, and as Das is opposed to going that route, there are equally if not superior alternatives to consider.

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I think we're getting caught up in the semantics of depression and being depressed. Completely different beasts altogether. 

One, as you say, needs therapy, and one which is a physiological issue needing medication. 

Just a bit of a touchy subject as people with clinical depression can get tarred with the same brush, adding to the stigma of pills being negative, whereas in their case it is essential to have a property quality of life and nothing to be ashamed of.

One best left to the experts to properly diagnose and treat accordingly 

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Acual the statistics show medication to be about 50% effective for most mental illness, wile therapy is about 50% effective, combined we are seeing about 90% effectiveness. 

How dose talk work? You learn healthy copping strategies and techniches to manage your illness. 

Please don’t discount couples therapy. Elizabeth may love you warts and all, but it isn’t easy loving some one who suffers from mental illness. It’s hard on them because even if you understand intellectually it’s still hard for the heart to get it some times. 

Right now both of you are reacting to the stress of having a little one. “Nesting” isn’t just a mom thing, and wanting to straitened up the attic, basement and your shop before a weperson starts exploring them and gets hurt is natural. What isn’t is the way those of us with ADD can become obsesive and depressed about it.    

It dose take about 30 days for selective uptake inhibitors to work as their are lipid rafts in our Enron’s that absorb the medication and it takes about 30 days to saturate them. But other medications work differently and thus faster.

Their are other things that help as well, diet and exercise, keeping to a schedual (good luck with that till the little one starts sleeping threw the night) taking dad time, date night, taking me time all help reduce stress and stress agrivates mental health to no end. 

Prayes brother, you or the missus can call me any time.



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You and your family are on the list.  So much good advice here. No need to have to explain yourself. That gets to be hard to do because you don't understand it all yourself. But do talk your wife and talk to God as much as you can. Talking can help greatly. As far as medication, research and ask a lot of questions.  I used to be on meds for depression and  I decided that wasn't for me. The thought of being dependent for the rest of my life was not appealing.  To say the least, quitting them was one of the hardest things to do. I'm not suggesting not to. That is for you to do what you think is best for you. We are all pulling for you

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Just another thought Das and it might not have any merit in your case. Have you had your hearing tested lately? Strictly speaking from my own experience and my "mood" or depression as some call it. I knew that my hearing was deteriorating at least a decade ago.

Too many years working in an auto dealership next to the shop with air impact tools and other associated shop noise (15 years as parts manager). Then changing careers to law enforcement early 80s and too much gunfire on the range early on (retired after 29 years) not to mention hammering on hot metal and using my power hammer for so many years without hearing protection.

Due to my hearing loss I became more and more withdrawn and moody having a hard time understanding what was being said, especially in situations with a lot of background sounds TV, radio, restaurants etc. and arguing with my wife over misunderstandings.

I finally decided to have my hearing tested after getting a recommendation for a good audiologist from my primary care physician. Well to make a long story short, I now have hearing aids for both ears and they have made a world of difference in my outlook on life and my relationships. I had no idea what a change they would make in my life.

Believe me when I say we are all pulling for you and your family.

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I really appreciate all of the prayers and thoughts. Im getting the cold shoulder this afternoon with her "giving me time (space) to get myself right." Personally it feels like head games the way I experienced it today. I can't really fully describe it but yeah. Now its head games.  Im not going to go further on that right now really. I'm making an appointment early next week and also have a friend thats a licensed Psycho. that I asked for an evaluation from. On a positive note our daughter is doing great. I dont want this stuff to affect her. Hense why I'd like to get myself right. As far as the meds debate, no I dont want them but that is for my doctor and I to figure out if its best or not and monitored if so. 


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I know but its hard when I get " I'll give you space till you get over your depression.... " 

And so far today the space has included her saying ( after i got home from work and got to finally hold her " let me know when you are done with her." Because she wanted to take her for a walk. Then as im tooling up to fix my dads offroad side by side " can you give her a bath at 7:30. I said yes. Never had to bath her but thought she had something to do. Nope. Just wanted me to stop what i was doing. I did and it was great but still. Got back to it after and fixed it. 

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I understand little brother, that’s why I advocated adding couples counseling to your other needs. Otherwise well meaning peaple can say and do the exactl wrong thing threw simple ignorance and a desire to help. An example is when you tell a person with anxiety not worry, what happens is they start worrying because they can’t stop worrying....

brother a relationship is hard, dealing with depresion is hard, dealing with a new baby is hard, heck some times dealing with women is difficult (yes ladies dealing with men is no picnic). At this point I suggest trying not to take it personal for now, she probbably doesn’t know how to deal with you’re problems and with the baby she doesn’t have the energy to try. I know that sounds cold and unloving but she is everybit as out of sorts as you are. Chose to love her, chose to be patient. 

Get the help you need, get the help you both need. 

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