Advice greatly appreciated

[A.R.]

Hello everyone, I have a situation that I don’t know where to ask so I am turning to every group that I am a part of. 

My mother has serious rectal cancer that has spread to her kidneys, liver, and lungs. She has recently had surgery for a colostomy and has been re admitted to the hospital for dehydration and now a bladder infection and has been there for about 10 days. I am a realist an know what what is eventually going to happen so I have been in constant communication and will be taking FMLA starting next week for as long as it takes.

My brother and I have been visiting as often as we can. He lives in Oregon and I live in Nevada. Our folks live in Washington. Most of her siblings, her mother and all of her friends live less than 2 hours from her. 

Now that’s out there here is the situation. My dad keeps saying that they want to move to either to Lewiston or Twin Falls Idaho to be closer to medical facilities. My mom would be much farther from her family and friends and I know she doesn’t want that. 

It turns out that my dad wants to move to Idaho because of his political views and he “doesn’t like the gun laws” in Washington. 

This absolutely breaks my heart and I don’t know how to tell him to put his views aside while our mother and his wife of over 37 years finishes her time here. I have no idea what he is actually thinking and he won’t tell us.

I know we all deal with earth shattering news differently and I would like some input. 

I would like to add that this diagnosis has brought my brother and I back together after not speaking for about a year. And my relationship with my wife and daughter has never been stronger since I quit my alcohol addiction on 8/16/2017, nearly 2 years.

Thank you all.

[pnut]

I feel for you. I lost my mother just last year. I would try to talk to him and explain that you think he should let your mother pass in the loving company of her family and dear friends. Ask him if he thinks moving your mother at this time would really be of any benefit to her or if she would be in any condition to deal with the stress and upheaval that is inevitable with any major change. Lastly I would ask him what your mother would want or just ask your mother yourself what she wants to do. Remind him that what he wants right now is secondary to what your Mom is going through and after the inevitable he can move wherever he wants.

I'm sorry you're going through this, it's tough losing a parent but it is the natural way of things.  Remember to take care of yourself as it's easy to neglect your health when dealing with this and hug your Mom for me and tell her she's in my thoughts.

Take care, I hopeI've been of some help to you. 

Pnut

 

 

[A.R.]

Pnut, thank you for your kind words. Your thoughts are identical to mine and I just wanted some input from an outside view. This has been very hard for all of us and I am thankful for my sobriety every day. 

[pnut]

Thanks,I have been sober for six years as of February second of this year. I'm grateful my Mom lived to see nearly five years of it. Don't let this derail your recovery. It's easy to get off track when you're going through emotional things. Keep doing what you're doing cause it's working for you and remember your Mom wouldn't want you to throw away an impressive stretch of sobriety on her account. 

Life is much simpler when you don't put roadblocks in your path. If you want someone to talk to feel free to PM me anytime.

Pnut   

[Steve Sells]

AR ... call your sponsor and talk to him

[Charles R. Stevens]

The rest of us will bend our knee for you and ring our anvils for her

[anvil]

thoughts be with you

 

[rockstar.esq]

A.R. 

That's a very tough situation, I wish you well with it.  I have no idea if this applies to your situation or not, but reading your words brought to mind a few things.  First, you're absolutely right that people respond to stress in all sorts of strange ways.  There can be a powerlessness when a loved one is ill that can feel overwhelming.  I've encountered my fair share of incompetent medical practitioners.  When those two are combined, with the life of a loved one hanging in the balance, it's not the time to quietly acquiesce.

In my experience, this is rarely seen as the loving action of someone doing their best to find the right help.  Nobody likes the angry relative who argues with the medical staff.  Not even the rest of the family.

If you thought your loved one was going to die unless you got her to the right help, the families desire to mourn in place might seem like a life-threatening obstacle.  

With all that said, I think it's important to point out that this is incredibly stressful, which makes it hard to accurately assess what's going on.  People who "default to action" might look for any opportunity to act on hope, no matter how thin.  

In my opinion, the thing that really matters most, is to do what your mother wants.  With so many people who love her, she must have done the important things right.  

[Steve Sells]

What does SHE want to do ?

[Kozzy]

Although I hate to play analyst in a post, my guess is that the stress is giving him some feelings that he wants to "run away" (metaphorically) and he's expressing those in this move notion.  Being overwhelmed because you simply can't do anything to change the actual situation makes you seek outside change to somehow get back a little control in your life.  I had a bit of the same thing when my wife was suffering from cancer and other problems a few years ago...started looking at vacation spots, longed for fishing trips...anything to feel "normal" in life again.  Help your Dad through the stress...if it's available where he is, he should really try a support group (even if he insists that he doesn't want to).  Family isn't the same because you can't tell them the stuff (feelings) that are normal in these situations but will cause hurt feelings.  

These are tough times.  No matter how prepared you make yourself, it will still weigh heavily on your family.  Be sure and take care of yourselves too. 

[BIGGUNDOCTOR]

Losing a parent is rough. I lost my Dad in 2000 and Mom in 2003.

How much time does your mom have?

I agree that your mom needs to be where she is comfortable, and has relatives around. Moving , even in good times, is a stressful situation , and your mom doesn't need that at this time in her life. She needs to be as comfortable as possible. Your dad can pick up and move later.

One thing I regret is not having my parents go through photos and other family history before they passed. Now I have albums full of pictures that I have no clue about. The tough part for me was having a machining question and not being able to ask my Dad. We were really close, and even 19 years later I still come across things that I wish I could ask him about. 

This is going to get tougher before it gets easier. Hang in there and just do the best you can.

 

[A.R.]

Thank you all for your thoughts and insight. I will be flying up to WA, in the morning to see her as the situation has turned south. She is being released from the hospital for hospice with medication to keep her comfortable while she finishes her time here. We will be taking her to her mothers house where it is peaceful, beautiful gardens, and all her family and friends will be able to visit.

[SLAG]

A. R.,

SLAG, &  Marg.,

Wish to offer our condolences and prayers to you your father,  and all the family and her friends.

Leave takings are never easy and very rarely pleasant.  When she passes her memory, love, and many kindnesses, will be her epitaph.

Hang in there,

SLAG.

[Frosty]

A.R.: Right now your Dad needs help more than your Mother. I dont want to sound crass but sugar coating things doesn't make anything easier. Your Mother's time is nigh, she knows it, her suffereing is nearly at an end. Your Dad on the other hand is hurting and feeling helpless in the face of the mortality that lays in all our futures. He's probably in a near panic and moving out of state is I THINK a form of transference. Shifting the villian from something none can touch to one we can and knows it's futile.

Just be straight up with him Brother, hug him, cry with him but just TELL him running away won't help her and maybe make her remaining days worse. 

In my family we face fear and pain with humor, Mother and I traded jokes and puns the day Her mother passed and we traded jokes the day I flew down to say good bye to Dad. Dad got in on the jokes even though he couldn't carry a joke with a Johnny Carson telling it for him. 

Please don't take me for being flip but I could NOT resist telling your Dad I understand wanting to blame politics. Politicians are NOTHING BUT a pain 

Like I said I hope you don't take me for being insensitive or crass, I'd hold you and let you cry if I could. Shared pain is essened pain and I try to lighten moods I don't take them lightly. Does your family know how to hold a good Irish Wake? Forget a celebration of life, throw a big loud party share memories and tell stories. The funnier the better!

Prayers for your Mother, Father, you and yours.

Frosty The Lucky.