How do you deal with devastating news?

[BIGGUNDOCTOR]

Last week I received some devastating news, and I am having a hard time dealing with it.

To make a very long story short I'll just say that my so called partners in my parent's estate auctioned the house without my knowledge, and the new owners scrapped all of my machine and fab shop equipment, along with trashing all of the family items left in the house. The house and shop are totally cleared.

18.5 x 54 Monarch lathe, 14.5 x36 Monarch lathe, Van Norman #2 universal mill, Millport vertical mill, small Sheldon horizontal mill, Canady Otto camel back drill press, small drill press, 5hp vertical air comp, 7.5hp Kaeser air comp, 10x16 Clausing surface grinder, G&E 16" shaper, gobs of tooling, Linde UCC305 350A Tig, Miller MP65-E 650A Mig, Miller plasma cutter, 15hp Arco Roto-Phase converter for CNCs, Big pedestal vise, 16" pedestal grinder, cast iron surface plate,  along with things like A833 4 speed out of an AAR Cuda, new scattershield, 340 heads and intake, Magnesium wheels, commercial Singer sewing machine with bench, a bunch of tool steel stock,  Dad's workbench, and a roll away he made. A quick estimate is $25-$30k worth of items. No price can be put on the sentimental loss.

My only consolation is the hope that my attorney is right when he says they XXXXXX up when they did the contract.  Either way they did it wrong. If they did it as a foreclosure, they can't do that as a partnership, and I can sue. If they did it as a loan they are only entitled to what the loan amount was plus interest, not the $350k they claim.  The house sold in as is condition for $400k, and the buyout from my brothers was $120k, so that would mean more like $250k to me. If that happens, I could somewhat justify the loss. But right now, I want to hurt some people really, really bad. Everyday I remember something else that was there.  I have a 48' dry van in S.CA that I was going to have run up there to clear the house, but they beat me to it.

I am finally getting to a point where I can even think about building a shop, and now the tools are gone.

One hard thing to take is when the contractor who was hired said "they were so heavy we had to break them down and take them out in pieces". My equipment was not beat up junk, it was all nice , and in excellent working condition. It pains me to think of it being busted up for scrap.

But, my question is , what method have those of you that have suffered a loss used to come to grips with it, and move on?  I have been trying to keep my mind occupied, but I keep getting various reminders of what I had.

[Frosty]

I am at a loss. About the best I've found for getting over serious anger is to do nice things for random people. I used to walk a close by mall and do things for strangers. Sometimes just smiling at them makes them feel better and I'd feel better.

It's not much I know but that's about all I have. 

Remember, "revenge is a dish best served cold," so you need to get over being angry before you start taking out of your partner's hides.

Frosty The Lucky.

[George N. M.]

I'm really sorry to hear this.  It is an emotional as well as financial loss.

I think your attorney has the right idea.  It sounds pretty close to how I would look at it.  I would have him send a demand letter for your share and the value of your property plus some kind of punitive/mental distress surcharge.  You and he have to have a conversation about what is the minimum you will take short of actually going to court.   Actually filing a case and going to trial can mean you need to front the court costs and attorney fees even if you are very confident of winning.  Alternatively, your attorney may take a contingent fee of a percentage of whatever you get.  That is often about 1/3 but 2/3 is batter than zero.

One thing I would talk to him about is freezing their ill gotten gains so that they do not hide or dispose or spend their assets.  It is no help to get a judgement upon which you cannot collect.

One thing which may be difficult to document is what the fair market value of your lost equipment was.  About all you can recover is what it would bring at an auction or what an insurance company would pay if it were destroyed.  Emotional value doesn't come into it.  X that was your grandfather's isn't worth any more than X that wasn't.  Also, how long had it been sitting there without being used?  The longer it was there the easier for them to argue that you had abandoned it.

It is hard to deal with this emotionally but in the end it is only stuff which can be lost in many ways such as a fire or flood.  No one has died or been hurt.  This is what the legal system is for, a way of recovering without violence.  It is imperfect and is hard to recover emotional pain but it is better than a resolution in which you end up wearing an orange suit.

You will probably go through all the stages of grief, denial, anger, etc..  You go through grief for any kind of loss.  If it gets really bad you may want to get some professional help to assist you getting through it.

Best of luck and if you want to talk one on one, PM me.

George

 

[Daswulf]

When my grandfather passed on my mothers side, they were a 2 1/2hr drive, initially I was told he wanted me to have his tools. After a little bit and one trip one of the four sisters said they needed to have an auction to make things "fair". Well what the better of the two sisters didn't know was that we actually didnt have to pay for what we bid on. That only the sale price percentage came out of the income of the sale. I wondered how the other families were bidding so high on some things. 

Anyway, we unknowingly got ripped. 

Fast forward and my mom had asked if I would move into the house my grandfather built from a shed to a full house and barn on acreage. I would have but a cousin offered to buy the place under the condition he would offer it back to the family if he resold, and he would make payments to the family. The price was $80'000

Obviously the family was too trusting. 

Before the second payment to the family he sold it to the amish for $380,000. 

Nothing of the profit to the family, and not even an offer. 

His wife left him after taking him for everything.  and they feel bad for him. Sorry but even as a christian, He got his just desert. 

There is a Lot more like the aunt having someone come and clean up Tons of stainless steel,aluminum and other steel scrap "for free".... like I wouldnt have.....

Anyway, I hope you have some legal grounds. If not, you might just have to cut your loss, cut off family from memory if possible and move on thankfull for what you still have in life. Build the shop and do your best with what you have and can get again. Some things are unforgivable and unforgettable, but we cant go back and only have forward to look. 

Praying for you. 

[Scott NC]

  Something similar to this happened when my uncle passed away.  I won't go into details because I can't stand thinking about it.  I have taught myself to just shut my thoughts off instantly when those memories and thoughts come roiling back.  It might not be the most healthy way of dealing with it.  I'm done thinking about it now.  I wish you a favorable out come, BGD!

[JHCC]

First of all, I am so sorry that this happened. The precise words that I want to use would probably get me booted off the forum, so let's just say that no-one should treat someone else like that, and no-one should have to be treated that way. I am so, so sorry that your trust was violated and that your property -- and by extension, your plans and hopes -- should be trashed like that. That's awful.

That said, there are a couple of different aspects of this. The first is the legal aspect, and I think George N. M. has given you good advice to get you started here. I have nothing more to add, other than to remember that the best you can hope for from the courts is some degree of financial restitution and maybe a bit of emotional satisfaction. 

I completely get your desire for revenge, but I would respectfully caution you that making other people feel bad won't necessarily make you feel better. Don't back off from holding them accountable, but don't make your happiness contingent on their sadness. Instead, focus on what you can do to work through the situation, neglecting neither the financial and legal side of things nor the emotional work of processing the loss of trust, the destruction of tools and supplies that embodied both your relationship with your father and your hopes for the future, and the recalibration of your plans moving on. 

One of the most valuable lessons I've ever learned (and this was in the context of being deeply hurt by someone I cared for deeply) is that human beings have the incredibly powerful ability -- unique among animals -- of being aware of our own emotions and being able to evaluate them unemotionally. That is to say, while we feel what we feel, we are also able to look at ourselves and say, "This is what I am feeling, and my perception of my present situation is affected by those feelings." The experience of being hurt creates a whole array of neurological and biochemical responses in our body (adrenaline, cortisol, etc) that will take time to work their way through our system. Being able to recognize that in ourselves is a powerful tool in moving away from being controlled by our emotions (which are, let's face it, rarely wise or effective guides) and towards being able to process them, honor them, feel them while we feel them, and then move on to choosing our best actions going forward. This isn't always an easy skill to learn or to deploy, but developing the mental and emotional discipline is definitely worth it in the long run. And hey, if you weren't interested in or able to develop difficult skills, what are you doing on a blacksmithing forum?

[George N. M.]

John, those are some of the wisest words I have read in a long time.  

George

[JHCC]

Thank you, George. It didn't come easy.

[Scott NC]

  I agree George. 

  I am posting again because my earlier comment doesn't convey what I meant.  What I should have said instead of "I shut my thoughts off instantly"  was I shut them off that subject and turn them to lighter more enjoyable things.  Art, family and friends among other things.  I don't just bottle them up, in a way.  Sorry if I sound like I am back pedaling but I couldn't rest till I made that clear.  We all have our own ways of dealing with tragedy or unbearable stuff.  And I am sometimes not eloquent with words.

[JHCC]

Good point, Nodebt. Another thing that I have learned is that severe trauma (physical and emotional) is processed by the part of the brain that governs the fight-or-flight response -- which, critically, is different from the part of the brain that processes the passage of time. In other words, memories of severe trauma provoke that same response as if the same trauma were happening again right now. One of the advantages of being conscious of this mental and emotional process is that we get better and better at distinguishing real trauma and traumatic memory. This in turn helps us place those memories in their proper emotional context, and balancing them with positive experiences of art, family, friends, and so on is a big part of that contextualization. That doesn't mean that bad things didn't happen or that they weren't bad, but it does mean that we can progress through recognizing and managing our emotional reactions to being able to accept the reality of what happened without being controlled by our reactions to it.

[LeeJustice]

It sucks that you got the shaft like that.

I take solace in music.  I try to stay busy with some good background music.  Music can be the soundtrack to your life.  What do you choose for your soundtrack?

[BIGGUNDOCTOR]

When I said I wanted to hurt someone, it was more of an emotional reaction than an actual plan of action.  I don't look that good in orange jumpsuits.

Nodebt's way is what I have been trying to do, but things keep popping up from my memory. Last night at work I remembered about the 9x13x1" slab of fusible alloy (low melting point - under 200F), and the tennis ball sized anode of cadmium under the workbench. 

 

JHCC, you are right about trust. I have been let down by several people I trusted over the years, and I am becoming a cynic. Seems most people today are only out for their own self interests. Me on the other hand have helped others at the drop of a hat while not expecting anything in return. Many times to my own detriment. It is just how I was raised, you help those in need. 

 

Lee, my soundtrack depends on my mood. My car radio presets will cover classic and hard rock, jazz, classical, EDM, and pop.  Never got into modern country or rap, although early Westerm music by Marty Robbins, or Lefty Frizzell is OK with me.  At one point in my life I was getting down by all of the negativity around me and found an EDM station. EDM seemed to be a lot happier music as it was all about partying, and having fun, as opposed to the dark heavy metal I was listening to.

 

George, I'll talk to my attorney about your points.

 

Das, sorry to hear what happened to you. I have said it before, no one can hurt you like family can.

 

Frosty, agreed, acting out while angry is a recipe for disaster.

 

 

 

 

[ThomasPowers]

BGD; may your judge be a home shop machinist  and start blowing smoke out their ears when he hears how the tools were treated.

I have had to deal with the fact that there will be no inheritance from my parents estate as the adopted children will have spent it all by then.   I have a much richer inheritance as I got my parents during their good years!

[Daswulf]

4 hours ago, BIGGUNDOCTOR said:

Me on the other hand have helped others at the drop of a hat while not expecting anything in return.

I know the feeling. I try to be a little more choosy on helping others anymore as well. Not from a "what can I gain from it" scenario really, but a who is true and actually deserving standpoint. I still am a sucker to help others without a second thought. 

The story with my family and woes is ongoing which I won't go further.  All I can say is I will do my best for those I love and care about, and no matter what happens, I won't quit trying. It can all be taken away one way or another. That doesn't mean we don't keep trying and fight on.  

There are the long fights and short fights. Also, we can forgive but still not forget. 

[Irondragon Forge ClayWorks]

BGD, Have you asked your attorney about contacting the so called 'contractor' about all the items he "cleared out" there is a good chance he has them stashed away, waiting to make a good profit reselling them. I can't imagine anyone familiar with them just scrapping them. Once he knows an attorney is involved his stance may change. To me it would be worth a chance to take.

[George N. M.]

Irondragon, very good advice.  It is entirely possible that the story about having to break up the machines to move them out is just that, a story.  I'd check the local Craigslist to see if the machines are showing up for sale.

GNM

[Frosty]

WOW John, well said, VERY WELL said. You've expressed what I meant but was unable to express with my quote above re. revenge served cold. My intended suggestion was to step away from your emotions for the purpose of dealing with this.

I ran out of time writing this, Deb's therapy and regular chores are hard on a chain of thought in this dented old head. 

That part of the brain is the Amydgala, John. It interprets and directs sudden or intense input to one of three areas of the brain for immediate attention. Fight, Flight, Freeze. Nerve paths can be created to other parts of the brain though, that's an adapt or die thing. This is how a painful badness can haunt a person and or effect way more than it deserves. Yes, it's possible to train your brain to let things go or route them to a safe compartment. 

The term you're looking for Scott is, "compartmentalizing." You put the bad stuff in a different part of your mind and bring better things forward. 

Ah, the things you pick up when you're a voracious reader and want to know how to deal with a serious TBI.

We went through something similar after my Father's death. My little Sister's significant other had ingratiated himself so deeply into Dad's feelings, Dad signed the house property and contents in E. Wenatchee over to him. After Dad passed he pawned decades worth of possessions, made living conditions unpleasant enough Mother and Sis. moved out after which he sold the house and property. 

I'm pretty sure we would've won a court action based on Dad's diminished capacity when he signed it over. Unfortunately Mother wasn't willing to fight it and I didn't have a good enough cause of action without her backing. Besides by time I could've gotten into the fight he'd liquidated everything he could for quick cash and sent it up his nose. 

That house and property were supposed to be mine though I suppose I'd have sold it. With it and the contents gone though there was barely enough left to buy a modest house in Boise and support Mother in her last years. 

I couldn't help contemplating revenge but never felt a desire to see it through. Nothing I could think of was a worse fate than what he'd made of himself. Once I divested myself of the emotional investment in him I was good. I don't even know if he's still alive though I doubt it, smoking crack for decades at best leaves you better off dead. 

Frosty The Lucky.

 

[ThomasPowers]

I have a relation by marriage that lost out on their Father's estate as he made a will totally in favor of his second wife and her kids; of course it was signed in his last days while he was in a coma at the hospital.

Folks remember that in many if not most localities; oral contracts can't be used for land;  it has to be a written contract.  (Been funny getting stuff notarized lately wearing a mask; still not used to going into a bank wearing one...)

[JHCC]

Yeah, I’m so used to people screaming and running around when I do that….

[ThomasPowers]

But nowadays they seem to be much fussier about handing you money when you do...

[rockstar.esq]

BGD,

Like everybody before, I want to express my condolences.  While I'm no expert in grief, I will say that feelings like anger and grief come in whatever order they come in, sometimes doubling back, or skipping ahead.

There are a couple of things that might help.  Imagine trying to spot an antelope on the plains as you're driving by.  A highly focused scan doesn't really do it.  Relaxing, un-focusing your eyes, and responding to what stands out will often do the trick.

Apply the same principle every time you catch yourself re-hashing the injustice of it all.  Let your mind wander a bit without ignoring your sincere feelings.  Like the antelope, some things will jump out at you.  A lot of it will be "shoulda, coulda, woulda" items, but every now and again, you'll find something useful.  "Useful" being something you can either act on; like a new course of action, or something that makes it hurt less; like a path you might follow to gratitude, forgiveness, or peace.

I wish you well

[JHCC]

That’s an excellent perspective, rsq. Indeed, the two things we often need most in such a situation are understanding and constructive action. 

[Malleus]

First of all, I really hate to hear of your misfortune.  I've heard things similar to this time and time again, and I grow so weary of hearing the crappy people getting away with it.  I realize this isn't much help, but whenever catastrophic things happen in my life, I try to tell myself that Everything Happens For A Reason.  We often do not know why at the time, and it sometimes seems like there could be no good reason.  I'm not saying it works out this way all the time, but sometimes, some of the most horrible things that happen to us, turn out to be for the better.  (whether we know it or not)  Also, anytime someone gets bad news, there is usually someone else getting worse news.  Not that I would wish that on anyone, but it helps to know that you're not alone.  I hope things look up for you, and you can get past this.  Take care!

[BIGGUNDOCTOR]

Haven't been on here for a bit, so a little late in responding.

 

Thanks for the tips.  Rockstar Esq, that is one thing I try to do, think of other things when I can.

Malleus, as one friend stated, Well, now you don't have to deal with moving all of it. Which is true. Time to move on.......