irnsrgn Posted December 26, 2005 Share Posted December 26, 2005 BLACKSMITH TOOLS EXPLAINED by irnsrgn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrBi11 Posted December 26, 2005 Share Posted December 26, 2005 REALISTIC TOOL DEFINITIONS 1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your pop across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying. 2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "SH**!!!" 3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age. 4. PLIERS: Used to round off hexagonal bolt heads. 5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle: It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. 6. VISE GRIP PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. 7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a wheel hub you're trying to get the bearing race out of. 8. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes. 9. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper. 10. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 4X4: Used to attempt to lever an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle. 11. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing splinters of wood, especially Douglas fir. 12. TELEPHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack. 13. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for removing dog feces from your boots. 14. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit. 15. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of bolts and fuel lines you forgot to disconnect. 16. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle. 17. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw. 18. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home builder's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. 19. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and squirt oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off the interiors of Phillips screw heads. 20. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 70 years ago by someone at Ford, and rounds them off. 21. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. 22. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short. 23. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer now-a-days is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit. 24. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing upholstered items, chrome-plated metal, and plastic parts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ten Hammers Posted December 26, 2005 Share Posted December 26, 2005 Well now, I see the Eggnog is working in Nebraska and Michigan tonight. :shock: Great stuff guys, keep it coming. Merry Christmas Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brian C. Posted January 2, 2006 Share Posted January 2, 2006 Jr., Those were great. I printed them & mailed to Dad. He loved them, told me that "people would had to have been there" to really appreciate them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThomasPowers Posted January 3, 2006 Share Posted January 3, 2006 I was always taught that the arc weldor was the fellow dropping hot BB's in his boot and the arc welder was the machine they were using. You forgot "Anvil horn ---a device for DIY vasectomies or proctological use" Thomas Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tzonoqua Posted July 2, 2007 Share Posted July 2, 2007 hahahahahaha! hilarious... i chanced upon this whilst searching for something else... Deserves resurrection... :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Glenn Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 Archives of IForgeIron - - a place to hide things, usually in plain site. A repository of many pearls of wisdom that sparkle once again when exposed to the light of day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
L.A. Raynes Posted July 4, 2007 Share Posted July 4, 2007 Fantastic!! The best laugh I've had in a very long time!!! Thanks! Larry Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hammerkid Posted May 29, 2009 Share Posted May 29, 2009 Thats a good Un!!!! :D:p hahaha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Avadon Posted May 29, 2009 Share Posted May 29, 2009 Total greatness! Love this thread. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tim McCoy Posted December 24, 2009 Share Posted December 24, 2009 My My that's funny! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bigcity Posted December 24, 2009 Share Posted December 24, 2009 lol ya this ones funny:) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CurlyGeorge Posted January 1, 2010 Share Posted January 1, 2010 Yep. That one has got to be near the top of the all time funniest!! :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dan W Posted January 2, 2010 Share Posted January 2, 2010 After reading all those definitions, I have to add that my wife told me the other day "No using power tools till mommy gets home from work" I have cut the tip off my rt index finger in the band saw, used the drill press to bore a hole thru the web between my fingers, I have set myself on fire using a right angle grinder and am still looking for various items that my bench mounted wire brush threw across the shop. I have also used the wire brush to fling hot scale into my belly button. Try getting that out! All in all, after reading thru this thread and a few others I can honestly say that I'm in good company and I no longer feel alone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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