2Tim215 Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 Born yesterday: And: Rules and obedience thereof...10 Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room. Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and blow your hooter you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up. Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them. I make knives, I know how to use them. Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. Rule Four: I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, you might think that we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early” Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. Remember the knives? Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? Also, the mower is in the garage. Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: - Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. - Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. - Places where there is darkness. - Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. - Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. - Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. - Rugby games are okay. - Old folks homes are better. Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me. Oh yes…I also have a knife or two. Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car…there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine. Added: # 11 I am a blacksmith and though I have given ample warning of my ability with knives I feel I should in all fairness also give the following warning: I am familiar with all forms of fire and the use thereof. My hands have calluses that will tear the tender skin of your limp handshake when first we meet. My grip will break the tender bones of hands that have never known an honost days work. My well practiced swing of the hammer will reaveal a strength that the appearance of my age may decieve. And as a blacksmith I hold to the old paths and if you don't know what they are then stay well clear of me and mine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Larry H Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 Congratulations, I guess this is the moment when you realize that " no man is good enough" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Srpenstein Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 Congratulations, nothing but the best. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
seldom (dick renker) Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 congrats, your gonna have fun. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bigred Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 Congrats Tim - she is beautiful - and your rules made belly laugh out loud :D Spent many happy years in your neck of the woods up in Carletonville working on the Gold mines - happy days Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farmall Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 What a beauty! I know you and your wife are proud....my petite thirteen year old daughter is 5 feet 7 inches tall and 130 pounds! I can still remember when she fit on my arm with her hips by my elbow and her head in my palm! Enjoy her.....they are wonderful creatures...a bit trying at times, but wonderful nevertheless....... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MRobb Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 Congratulations! Enjoy every moment. They grow waaaay too fast. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2Tim215 Posted October 30, 2012 Author Share Posted October 30, 2012 Thanks all, appreciate the kind words. Smithing will be put on hold for a while until I can work out where to find some extra hours in the day. If any of you know where they are then pls let me know Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Private Entrance Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 You'll find them again in about 18 years. Most of them, anyway. Congrats! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frosty Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 Congratulations Tim! She's a beauty, must come from Mother's side eh? I like the rules, one I recall though imperfectly went like, "If you touch my daughter you should know I don't mind going to prison again." Frosty The Lucky. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Michael Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 Congratulations, Daughters are a gift to their dads. If you figure out how to train this one to strike for you, let us know how. Been trying to convince my 5 foot 10 inch 13 yr old girl to pick up a hammer, but no luck. Great Rules, love the incorporation of smithing specific threats of violence. We have these skills, they can surely be used to frighten boys. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThomasPowers Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 Daughters: My oldest is in Vet School and my youngest just had a second son. A "welcome your daughter's date kit" with det cord, rusty barbwire, kerosene, and a dull aluminum spoon is suggested.... (actually with my step daughter I learned that welcoming any guy *not* to our liking with effusiveness and start including them in the family activities was enough to get her to drop them like a grenade missing the pin!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Drewed Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 Tim, as a father of 2 daughters all I have to say is you are in trouble.... :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RLD Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 congratulations. hope she helps in the shop. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ianinsa Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 Congratulations, will you encourage her to learn & practice "traditional " skills and activities like the "reed dance"? :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sask Mark Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 Congrats! Definitely something to be proud of. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2Tim215 Posted October 31, 2012 Author Share Posted October 31, 2012 Congratulations, will you encourage her to learn & practice "traditional " skills and activities like the "reed dance"? :D Not Likely!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OddDuck Posted November 6, 2012 Share Posted November 6, 2012 I also have required of my daughter (16, talented, and beautiful, sometimes genetics are a mystery...) to inform her beaus that not only can my daddy make the murder weapon, use it in a painful and very final way, he can also easily destroy the evidence and likes to dig holes. You do the math. Good luck, you have years of wonder and joy ahead. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Metaljohn Posted November 6, 2012 Share Posted November 6, 2012 Congratulations on your new arrival. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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