Compassion

[rockstar.esq]

The other day I encountered a quote that was attributed to Jack Kornfield. 

"If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete".

My first thought was to take this as "permission" to be as patient and understanding with myself as I am with others.  Frustration with my pace for learning new things, or falling short of my aspirations are ready examples of where this could apply.

I got to thinking about some patterns I've seen in relationships and the whole thing took on a new meaning.  A good example of this is when someone decides to be helpful in the hopes their kindness will be rewarded.  Whether the reward is emotional, monetary, or status, doesn't much matter, the pattern tends towards disappointment.  I think that's because compassion isn't a medium for exchange.

If being compassionate isn't it's own reward, I should ask myself what I'm hoping to achieve.  Wouldn't it be kinder to myself to be more honest about what's really going on?  By extension, isn't it more fair to whoever I'm helping to clearly explain my reservations and/or expectations?

I've tested it out a little, and so far, It's working pretty well.  If helping someone is the right thing for me to do, I don't regret helping no matter how thankless the task.

Anything else is a deal made clear to both parties.  I figure there will be bad deals, but at least the bad actors know they can only fool me once.

[Frosty]

Oh boy, something else to think about curse you! Yeah, I think it's a good working rule for dealing with people in a "contract" situation. And yeah, helping folk is a contract, say helping the bad room mate get his/er junk out. "I'll help if you go sooner" is a contract. I've done that one even if He didn't see it coming as a real action. He'd agreed to move but wasn't making a move to so I got him to name a day and he woke up to me tossing his stuff in my truck. He helped because I was literally tossing his stuff and his stereo was coming up quickly. 

I don't know how that bit of history fits the compassion model but I didn't just lock him out with his stuff on the lawn, so maybe. I know I felt better for finally drawing a line and getting it done. I did him better than he earned and cleared my life of a few problems.

Accepting, "I'll pay you when I get the money" isn't a contract, it's puffery like the used care salesman saying, "it was only driven once a week by a little old lady from Pasadena." Both sides are better off with solid conditions and rules. It even worked well when I was dating. I was always amazed when a coffee and pie date ended with expectations we were now an "Item" and I was expected to help with bills and or buy her a car. . . .WHAT?! When I started laying out what a date was going to be the after1date relationships got a world better, some even led to more.

It may sound selfish but you have to watch out and take care of yourself first. No I'm not talking about diving across a street to push a child out from in front of a fast moving car, that's not the same thing. However to be compassionate to yourself you want to think about how you'll feel looking in the mirror in the morning. Somethings you just don't want to let happen without trying.

And there it is another Frosty's musing about a thing ramble. At least I can blame this one on a Rockstar. 

Its a good subject, thanks.

Frosty The Lucky.

[Anachronist58]

Well said, rockstar.esq -

For myself, give and take is out of the question. I am evolving as a human being, and it is quite vexing to find myself, more and more often, being kind to those whom I would like to punch in the nose.

I see that Frosty has just now posted, I will read his words after I finish here.

Obvious to me, as I struggle to overcome my own antisocial nature, socially constructive behaviours are winning out.

With ageing, and the weakening of the body, I find myself internally to be, at the onset, more cantankerous and intolerant of my fellow Human Beings.

And then, perhaps, the "secret" meaning of the referenced quote comes into play.

I have many more thoughts on this subject, but the bitterness of my own personal failures must be forgiven - Rather than projected out upon my fellow Human Beings.

I still manage to dispense council, at times stern, but more tempered than I might otherwise desire.

Better to build than to destroy?

Thanks for the evocative posting.

Robert Taylor

 

[Wroughton]

You've muddied a couple of lines for me. Mainly between how we treat family, friends and coworkers. 

If you're a chronic "fixer" or "helper" you can't optimize your effectiveness if you're so stretched out in area that you can't help someone when it's really needed. 

Guarding your ability to think and help is being compassionate towards yourself. 

 

Stating your business is a good idea but most people don't like hearing it. You've just taken out any sideways play they may have had in either misunderstanding your reasons or avoiding giving any credit due. When "freebies" are given on a job I now call them out on the invoice after a battle with a contractor that got way too much and gave too little. When I'm asked to overlook an hour of work or parts supplied I have the "freebie" count on record. 

On that note, I employ a tool I've used my whole life. I put my neck out early. It may hurt if you take advantage of it but I'll know your inner workings......FAST. To users and takers it looks like easy money/gain and they reveal themselves. That's another reason I like working with people with a passion for their work, they usually don't have any other motive than wanting to perform and learn and sometimes, even grow. 

I think there's more than one TED talk on this subject. 

 

 

[Anachronist58]

41 minutes ago, Frosty said:

I don't know how that bit of history fits the compassion model but I didn't just lock him out with his stuff on the lawn, so maybe. I know I felt better for finally drawing a line and getting it done. I did him better than he earned and cleared my life of a few problems.

Rolling over to be someone's doormat is not usually the right thing to do......

So perhaps all were better for the firmness of your choice.......

8 minutes ago, Wroughton said:

On that note, I employ a tool I've used my whole life. I put my neck out early.

I like that.

[rockstar.esq]

Frosty,

I think your room mate example enforced a social contract with someone who couldn't/wouldn't realize that not making a decision is a decision.  Empathy for someone who's stalled out in life cannot extend to stalling out your own life.  If depression was a disease, this is how it spreads. 

You raised an excellent point here;

On 4/15/2017 at 11:07 AM, Frosty said:

Somethings you just don't want to let happen without trying.

I deeply respect the individual drive to do the right thing.  Military and first responders are often called upon to act beyond their individual interests.

On 4/15/2017 at 11:36 AM, Anachronist58 said:

Better to build than to destroy?

Anachronist58, I think that's a worthy goal.  There's a lot unsaid in your post but you've reminded me of something that might resonate in your life.  When you're young, it's great fun to be against things.  Establishments, traditions, social mores, it all constrains the youthful desire to expand until you've filled the space with your expressions.  It doesn't matter what medium, be it posters on every surface, or music loud enough to be heard from space, the object is to fill the void left open by older people who "don't understand".

As I've gotten older, I've encountered failures and setbacks like anybody else.  I believe it was Frosty who quoted his dad a long time ago when he said: "You can't change human nature, you can only change how you feel about it".  With patience and a more open mind, I can look back on many of those failure and setbacks to see how human nature played a vital role in what happened.  In hindsight, it's obvious that failing to account for human nature was my consistent mistake.  The establishments, traditions, social mores, etc. exist to provide a semi-reliable basis for human nature to peacefully enter social contracts.  Codes of behavior like chivalry weren't one-sided.  Everyone had to act within the code or suffer the consequences.  Malevolent forces coupled with useful idiots have chipped away at effective codes of behavior since before Machiavelli's time.  The way I see it, an individual can choose to be a victim, or they can get all Don Quixote and go forth as an example of virtue.  Acting with virtue has always been laughed at, however victim-hood is depressions leverage on the soul.  Just last night I heard about an old gent with dementia who's wife was looking after him.  He's very sweet-natured which makes his  condition more tolerable for everyone around him.  I suspect that if he were a grumpy old cuss, he'd be in a nursing home so his wife could get some peace in her golden years. 

On 4/15/2017 at 11:47 AM, Wroughton said:

That's another reason I like working with people with a passion for their work, they usually don't have any other motive than wanting to perform and learn and sometimes, even grow. 

Wroughton:

I've encountered plenty of passionate and ambitious people who would do anything to get ahead.  I think what you're describing is someone who wants to achieve their goals on the basis of their own work.  They value their work, so they tend to value the time, skill, and efforts of others.  In my experience, these folks are quick to set the terms of understanding for any request.  I've had such people offer to pay/trade me for the time to figure out what it would cost to do the job.

 

 

[Anachronist58]

1 hour ago, rockstar.esq said:

There's a lot unsaid in your post but you've reminded me of something that might resonate in your life.  When you're young, it's great fun to be against things. 

rockstar.esq, while your idea may apply to to me on certain levels, I will have to get back to you after six months or so of self-analysis.

My spouse tells me that I am the kindest, most loving person she has ever known. She also knows of my lifelong struggle against the "other" me, and this is common, though not universal, to the human condition. 

I find this to be a very timely conversation, as when I clock in this afternoon, I will be going before the mast today for causing some inconel parts to be scrapped.

Several months ago, I guaranteed to my manager, that it was inevitable that I would be the cause of scrap.

This is where my compassion will be tested, as I hold ethical high ground, and Arrogance on my part eagerly awaits to take center-stage.

I have studied diligently for this day, and I am at peace.

I am happier to know the me I am than the me I was.

Robert Taylor

[Wroughton]

11 hours ago, rockstar.esq said:

 Wroughton:

I've encountered plenty of passionate and ambitious people who would do anything to get ahead.  I think what you're describing is someone who wants to achieve their goals on the basis of their own work.  They value their work, so they tend to value the time, skill, and efforts of others.  In my experience, these folks are quick to set the terms of understanding for any request.  I've had such people offer to pay/trade me for the time to figure out what it would cost to do the job.

Rockstar,

I agree. I left that a tad generalized. I mean gnawing on the material passionate. Not just the ambitious bouncing around because they're happy to be breathing air and they want you to come and drink some koolaid with them. The true passionate ones attempt to consume every facet of their current focus, in whatever form, rather than immediately becoming, say, a timber framer without ever picking up a chisel. There are more than a few here on IFI that are full speed and I chuckle when I can feel their WANT to learn through their post. I feel I'm much better at spotting the difference now as there was a time when I often mistook fake exuberance for passion. Good work shows a lot more than flapping gums.