Problems

[JHCC]

7 minutes ago, Michael Cochran said:

I only hope I can repay the favor one day. 

Someday, someone looking for help might happen across this page and realize that there may be hope for them yet.

Repay the favor? Perhaps you already have.

[Frosty]

10 minutes ago, Michael Cochran said:

maybe I’m just too hard on myself because I just don’t see it. 

Thank you all for your support, I really appreciate it and I only hope I can repay the favor one day. 

YES, we ARE too hard on ourselves. BINGO!

You weren't supposed to try and respond to everybody, nor are you supposed to repay anyone. This isn't a favor it's empathy we can't watch someone hurting without doing something.

When you talk to the counselor or whoever, you aren't supposed to craft your words, just talk to him/er. This isn't about getting it or anything right, it's about getting it out in the light where you can see it. Counselors aren't there to "fix" you they're there to listen and help you make connections. Deb never understood counseling, she thought we were supposed to address things she wanted fixed. My TBI and the hell I put her through left her in classic PTSD country. Little things are crises, etc, etc. I wasn't the only one injured. I like to think counseling helped, Jeff and I have a lot in common and spent some good time talking. He only made suggestions if I asked. 

Just talk Brother, s/he isn't there to judge anything s/he doesn't absolutely have to and that only for safety's sake. Think of the advantage of talking to someone who's legally sworn to secrecy, s/he can't tell anybody anything you say and from my experience they're reluctant to if you tell them to. 

I'll have my eye on you Michael, I'm DYING to give you some friendly crap! 

Frosty The Lucky.

[SLAG]

Mike,

There is no payback required from you. We  owe nothing, We post and comment without thought of compensation.

We do it because we care. 

We are all in this together. That is life

If you still want to pay it back. Pay it forward.

Someone else will want it in the future, guarantied.

SLAG.

 

[Lou L]

Micheal Cochran,

I only know,you from here as someone who is always the voice of reason.  Your advice has always been thoughtful and supportive.  You are someone on IFI I look forward to learning from.  I can’t imagine that ain’t who you are in all aspects of your life.  Don’t listen to the demons and don’t give them power.  I know it is easy to say and a lot harder to do...

The best advice I can give you is to let go of ego.  Our inner desire to control the outcomes in our life is often our undoing.  Allowing and embracing the reality that others in our lives and the universe itself have a say is healing.  

I am thankful for your post here.  It means that you trust us...all of us...and that is not taken lightly.  Much respect and love to you.

 

Lou

[Daswulf]

What they said! And Yes you are being too hard on yourself. It's ok. Many of us do it.  you Are a good guy. Like frosty said, I see it through your posts and texts too. 

You kind of did put it out there somewhat for the world to see. I have before too. And thank God for that. We have great friends we haven't even met that care so much about us. We may only have the love of blacksmithing in common but I think it's more. 

You might be able to burn steel to a useless non recoverable mess but hearts and minds can always push forward to try again and fix what we did wrong. It takes patience with ourselves and others.  We can't understand but we do understand. We are here to listen and help where we can. None of us have all the answers but we each have a part we have experienced and persevered through and can help with. That goes with All the topics here. 

 

[Charles R. Stevens]

Honestly, if the therapist is any good they will understand and be able to draw you out. 

I went back into therapy when Sandy was hospitalized last time as a relationship is hard enough with out one crazy, but two is courting disaster, lol. We spend a lot of time cutting up and swapping stories. Honestly it won’t be as hard as you think. 

[jwilson645]

Mike,

Reading this makes me wish it hadn't been so long since we talked. Life has just gotten busier for me with the move and job and I don't stay in touch with people like I should. You ARE a great guy and I'm really glad to know you. Even though I haven't been through the same sort of xxxx you have, I struggle also. I've been on anti-depressants for more than 10 years and, yes, I too have sought counselling. It is tough to open up, especially someone you don't know but it DOES help. If you still have my number, call or text me any time.  

[Michael Cochran]

Some of the relationships show signs of getting better at times while others looks as if they are completely lost. Yesterday brought more tension to one of them as a mutual friend showed their behind and said I was doing things I shouldn’t sitting up drama. I cut them free because I need no more drama in my life.

I slept better last night than I have in a while and woke up feeling almost like my old self. I just hope I can hang on to that for the rest of the day. We have a new guy starting at work and I can’t afford to have mood swings while I’m dealing with him. 

This is going to be a long road and even though it feels like I’m walking alone I know there are people beside me and behind me to help. Thank you all for your support some of you may never know how much it means while others know all to well what one persons help can do and the difference it can make. 

[JHCC]

Thank you for the update. Keep 'em coming.

When I was going through a crisis some years back, one thing that helped me (and I offer it to you to take or leave as you think best) was when someone pointed out to me that we have no control over what we FEEL (emotions being biochemical and neurological responses to external and internal stimuli), a little more control over what we THINK (since we all have the ability to consider other points of view, to be aware of our own thought processes, etc), and complete control over what we DO. The trick is to be aware of the emotions without judging or being ruled by them, to identify and correct unhealthy patterns of thought, and to choose to do the things that will help us and our relationships with others. It's not always easy, but it's always possible.

Peace.

[Charles R. Stevens]

One step at a time. I have been blessed with more true friends than most, certainly more than I deserve. I am very selective as to who Gets close enugh to become a friend tho, their are peaple out their that are just toxic and will gaslight you. This extends to family as well. They are generally the first one to say “family has an obligation” when in reality they abuse you buy guilt tripping you into enabling them. 

Breath, brother. When your emotions start to run amuck, breath. In threw your nose, fill your belly then your chest, hold it for a second, then exhale threw your mouth. Hold a second and repeat, slowing the time it takes to inhale and exhale. This dropped your heart rate, disrupt the sympathetic nervous system’s adrenal response and release endorphins. We already know your mind can make your body sick, this is using your body to calm your mind. Not unlike “sniper breathing”. A few simple exercises can be added, squats, stretches, etc. 

as daft as it sounds and as silly as you feel doing it positive self talk in as important a tool as any. Remember that the therapist is generally working from a script designed for the least common denominator, so chand that scrip to fit you. I find myself all to often telling myself “he isn’t an idiot, he is ignorant” he isn’t an idiot he is new” “he isn’t stupid, he is is average (god help us, lol)”. Take a breath, pinch the bridge of your nose, close your eyes and think peicful thoughts, lol. 

Peaple tell you it’s about one day at a time. They are optimists, in reality it’s about seconds, minuets and hours. 

If you haven’t red your boss in you may have to consider it. ADA requires them to make res able accommodations. Simple things can make a big difference. Working with one supervisor and not another (most of us with PTSD do not react well to bullies) taking breaks alone instead of in the break room even the ability to vent to some one if not your supervisor then some one in hr.  I know that reading ones employer in can be a two edged sword, as the media and polititions have made us out to be dangerous (18% of the population has mental illness, wile we commit only 1% of the homisides) so if the company culture isn’t right you could find your self in a mess. Other side of that coin is that if the company culture is that bad it could be part of the problem. 

May phone in almost always in my pocket (exept during my morning absolution, no pokes lol). You have been threw worse and even this you can’t wish this away with pure will power you can learn to manage the symptoms. Remember their is only one way to eat an elephant.

[Daswulf]

I have had to distance myself from toxic people many times in my life. its a good thing. Once you get the breathing room you feel a bit more free and that helps. Distance yourself from unnecessary drama. 

Pick off small problems one at a time. 

 

[JHCC]

1 hour ago, Daswulf said:

I have had to distance myself from toxic people many times in my life.

I guess that explains why you're not returning my emails.

 

 

 

[Daswulf]

 never. 

[Michael Cochran]

Charles there’s a lot of wisdom in that last post. I have let my direct supervisor know what’s going on and he’s giving me all the slack I need to try to get myself right. He even checked to see how much time I have I can take off work if I needed it. And it’s just as you said moment by moment things can change not just day by day. 

JHCC, the feeling is definitely hard to control and I’m at a point now where I’m just starting to control my thoughts again. They were going places and I couldn’t control it but slowly I’m regaling that control. 

One thing I’m having to pay close attention to is that barrier that’s gone up around me. I put up a wall and shut some people out but I’m fighting to keep from shutting out others. I have times where I just want to run away and start over. Leave my job and family and friends, pack a few things and just go away. After a little bit I can remind myself those are the things that keep me going and stable. Without them I could find myself in bad trouble. 

[Charles R. Stevens]

Believe me I know that feeling, wanted to saddle the horses and ride off.

[Charles R. Stevens]

Believe me I know that feeling, wanted to saddle the horses and ride off a time or 10. 

Disphoria is a lot worse than depression in a lot of ways. We get grouchy and angery. So dang tired of struggling to keep our lives to gether we want it to just stop. It’s is hard and some times it seams almost hypocritical to be encouraging someone when I have been there too. But no one wants the peaple they love, their parents, children and spouses to hurt, and if we let this get us that is exactly how they will feel. L

Ruck up and embrace the suck, brother. Keeping that pack of rabid squirrels (a buddy calls them worms “worms crawling around in my brain”) at bay, much less harnessed up and going the same direction is a chalange. But remember that first week when you didn’t think you would survive basic? Can’t isn't an option, this is just another day in paradise.

again I’m a call or text away. 

[Michael Cochran]

Yesterday turned out to be an ok day and today is shaping out pretty good. I have plans in a little bit with one of the people I hurt to help smooth things out there. So far on all the fronts that are of high priority I’m slowly gaining ground. I wish progress was quicker but I’m thankful for any progress and any wins I can get right now. 

I have to say one of the hardest things for me is remembering to take my meds the same time every day. There does seem to be some improvement of stability in my head the last couple days. I haven’t had swings as often or extreme as they were just a couple weeks ago. 

[Daswulf]

Thats great. Little by little. Don't expect big strides but if they happen, great. It can be slow and you might want it to go quick, just do your best and dont expect anything to be quick, but it is happening.

I'm horrible with taking anything at any certain time as well. best I can do is put them where I see them at a certain time of day or where they are in my face so I might remember. Glad you are having a good couple days.

I hate to say but I use the power of negative thinking to make it through. I hope and try for the best but expect the worst. That way if the worst happens then I was ready for it. If the better or best happens it is all that much better because I was expecting the worst. Actually, Go in with a positive attitude. (as much as you can) it works wonders.

[Frosty]

If you have trouble taking meds regularly program your phone alarm and give it a special ring tone and train the dog to bug heck out of you if you don't hear it. When Deb's pill alarm goes off all our dogs surround her looking for their cooky. It's made a huge difference in her med taking schedule.

Me? I have a different schedule revolving around meals so I have different cues.

Frosty The Lucky.

[Charles R. Stevens]

I have the same problem, I worked with my dock to adjust medications and dosages so I have a morning and evening dose. Noon just habitually got skipped. Now as you have a job lunch probably isn’t as such an issue. Weekends being the exception. 

Bedtime sees me topping off, so with my glass of water I take meds and vitimins. Morning sees my morning coffee washing down more medication. Routine is your friend, in routine we find less stress.

[ThomasPowers]

My wife fills up her weekley "pills per day" container  (divided into MNN) so she *knows* if she's missed a dose---or can check if she has a mind blink.  My insulin pump beeps at me to check my insulin so many times a day it's annoying.  Folks around here have cut me a lot of slack as they know I get grumpy if my blood glucose it plummeting   Shoot my wife taught my apprentices the signs so they could call me on it if necessary!

[Charles R. Stevens]

Least you and Jerry have lagitamant excuses for being cranky...

 

[JHCC]

On ‎3‎/‎30‎/‎2018 at 11:23 AM, Michael Cochran said:

JHCC, the feeling is definitely hard to control and I’m at a point now where I’m just starting to control my thoughts again. They were going places and I couldn’t control it but slowly I’m regaling that control. 

Charles R. Stevens's breathing advice above is excellent. Breathe, and observe. Don't worry about controlling your feelings; just start with observing and naming them. Saying to yourself "I'm frustrated", "I'm stressed", "I'm anxious", or whatever gives your brain that little extra bit of balance. Don't blame yourself for what you feel; don't even blame yourself if you do blame yourself. Observe, be aware, don't judge. Breathe.

 

[Charles R. Stevens]

It’s a skill like any other, it takes practice. What did your first square taper look like? Learning to manage your illness is just a set of skills and undoing bad habits. “Copping strategies”, the things we do to deal with our issues can be good or bad, so we learn what are good ones (this is were theorists come in handy) and overwrite the bad ones. 

angxiaty (who in the 9 hell’s desided that was spelled with an “x”?!) is a prime example. Well meaning peaple tell you not to worry about stuff. Now the person with angxiaty is worrying about not being able to stop worrying. Where teaching them to “ground” themselves in the moment (I think of it as “centering” from kempo) is a specific tool. Breath, look around the room and find five items, count the, name them, see them. Now think about 5 things that bring you peace and joy, (petting the dog, the smell of coal smoke, the feel and smell of a horses hair, fresh sawn pine and the smell of fresh brewed coffee). This is tchnique to disrupting the programming loop that you get stuck in and reset your mind. It’s ok if it only works for a few seconds and you have to repeat it. Their are lots of skills like this, I kenstheticaly feel myself push intrusive thoughts and emotions aside, but that’s me, lol. 

Eat right, take a daily multyvituin, extra vitamin D and those nasty fish oil tablets. Drink your coffee on the porch, and take your lunch outside. Get into the habit of exercising. These basic life style changes help immensely. Think of them as part of your treatment plan. 

Get back in the shop, or what ever it is that occupies enough of your mind to keep the rabid squirrels at bay, with out exhausting you (driving in a blizzard will occupie all of your mind but dang if it isn’t exhausting) for me reading is one of the things that calm the squirrels.

you have been threw worse. Might be time to take the wife out dancing, even if you have to take lessons ;-)

[Frosty]

Well said Charles! Coping skills can be learned and just like any other craft there are good habits and bad. 86 the bad and practice the good. Like any problem solving exercise there are stages: recognize there is a problem, analyze the problem, solve the problem and practice the solution. It's a sequence that holds true for about anything.

The brain is a funny thing, I spent a lot of time reading, trying and practicing work arounds for my issues. The exercise Charles describes works a treat, you can literally tell your brain to stop or change behavior. One of my issues is being angry, sometimes I get stuck in a loop arguing with someone 30+ years ago.  This is a really bad thing that happens when I"m in the shop and should be thinking happy thoughts or "sleeping" on problems. The arguments are the right hemisphere (if you're right handed) of my brain being in charge and dominating. I stop what I'm doing, look at different things quickly. The trick with this exercise that works for me is to focus on something only long enough to identify and name it then look at something else. While I'm doing the glance around exercise I literally tell the right side of my brain to cut it out.

It no fooling works to shut off the loop that my brain is stuck in. Glance around ad name things then tell the right side of your brain, "stop that, cut it out, whatever," But it needs to be a command. The glance around exercise also helps you get to sleep on days when you're dwelling on something. Heck ANYTIME you're dwelling on something do the exercise. 

The left and right side of our brain is supposed to work together with one side dominant ONLY for certain activities. When the wrong side is running the show it doesn't do so well. Both sides may and usually do play an important part but one side should be dominant. The analytical, reasoning (left) side may be playing an important part painting a landscape calculating perspective, light and shadow angles but the right side holds the image, mixes colors on the pallet and makes the brush strokes.

Rebuilding an engine?  That's almost all left hemisphere unless you do it enough things like how you arrange your tools, parts, etc. on the bench matters, that's a right hemisphere activity. Right hemisphere lets me know where to put my hammers, tongs, etc. when I'm at the anvil. Well, time at the anvil is mostly right hemisphere unless I'm doing something that is sequence dominant like tuning a new burner, screwing up building a forge, etc. Our forges tend to come out too big because we give our feelings too much say. Feelings, right hemisphere is the source of uncertainty.

Does any of that make sense? 

Another thing to keep in mind but NOT dwell on is, we can't help how we feel. The only thing we can help is how we behave. You can feel angry, sad, depressed, whatever, can't help it, no guilt in feeling. We CAN control how we act though. No, don't feel guilty if we blow it, NOBODY can control everything. Play the glance around game and tell your brain to straighten out and PRETEND to behave well. Pretending can be a very valuable skill, a brain can't pretend forever, not even for very long if you are pretending to be what you want. 

If you're feeling bad, tell your brain to switch hemispheres and think about something analytical just NOT your feelings. Trying to analyze what's bothering you is reinforcing the wrong loop! Here's a good one to think about that engages both hemispheres but lets the left side regain control in a positive way. Think about the next pattern welded billet you want to try and how to develop the finished pattern. Don't forget getting a good solid weld! That's a sequence and proper technique activity, the artsy side doesn't have much to do with a good weld EXCEPT mess it up so you put it to the side. 

Does that make sense?  

Another activity is playing pool, it's very much a left side activity but you do it to to satisfy the right side. It's all about analyzing force, angles, banks, english, combinations, rebounds for the leave to set up the next shot and block the pockets, etc. It's almost all left side but we shoot pool for the right side satisfaction we feel and heck the disappointment of missing a shot.

Left side right side and you can tell them which side YOU want in control to restore balance. Sometimes issues lead us to marvelous new things to learn.  Your brain is a machine, you run machines yes? 

Frosty The Lucky.