Help with the holiday blues

[rockstar.esq]

As my thoughts are shifting towards celebrations with friends and families, I got to thinking about the holiday blues.  Having been on both sides of this myself, it occurred to me that a lot of people seem to think optimism is the antidote for the blues.  On the surface, it seems logical that depression is the result of a pessimistic outlook. This may explain why there's a lot of social pressure to promote optimism as the most beneficial perspective.  However, it really didn't work for me.

My first child had colic which means that she cried almost every waking moment for her first 6 months, two weeks, three days, and nine hours.  At the time both the babysitter and my wife would describe colic as though it was a challenge on par with removing a difficult stain from your carpet.  Annoying, but hardly life-changing.  Today, I can see this as an effort to put a nice spin on things.  At the time, I felt like I was losing my grip because parenting a baby with colic was much, much, harder than anything I'd ever done.  I felt like my problem was invisible to everyone else.  My friends offered platitudes about how everything was temporary.  I think if most folks spent 4 hours with a constantly crying baby,  six months wouldn't sound so "temporary".  After that experience it's clear to me why the military uses sleep deprivation to intensify training.  

This brings me back to why I believe optimism is not an antidote to depression.  I was struggling with a problem that came to define my life.  The whole situation existed because I couldn't solve the problem.  Pretending not to see a problem is not a solution.  There's a military phrase that applies here.  "Embrace the suck".  The situation is bad, deal with it.   This is typically applied on an individual basis but I think it's useful for people trying to help a friend as well. 

The bulk of my struggle wasn't the direct result of my baby having colic.  The real struggle was how everyone in my life avoided admitting how miserable having a colicky baby was.  Eventually my wife "embraced the suck" and it was a watershed moment for us because we really teamed up.  She thought  "being strong" was putting a positive spin on things.  She felt as alone with the struggle as I did.  Going forward we'd do our best for our little girl by making sure we kept our heads together. Sometimes that meant sharing laughter, sometimes tears.   If optimism and pessimism are two opposing points, then the truth in the middle.  Honestly embracing our situation, gave the misery a limit.  Waiting for things to improve would only put our life on hold. Time is all we really have so whatever we are doing is costing a part of our lives.  

If you're struggling with something, I hope you know you're not alone.  If you know someone who's got the blues, I hope this helps. I wish all of you the best.

 

Happy Holidays.

[Charles R. Stevens]

Slag pointed out to me an truth we all know but forget when we are depressed, often those very things that we need to do to combat it are the things we retreat from. Get on the exercise bike, take your coffee on the east porch, etc. 

[ThomasPowers]

baby steps  Don't start something you're likely to fail with; rather something small you can easily accomplish!

[Irondragon Forge ClayWorks]

Pounding on red hot metal seemed to help me when I felt depressed. It took my mind off of the problem and solutions frequently came from my forge sessions.

My way of thinking is failing at something you love is better than succeeding at something you hate.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all.

[Anachronist58]

In the thread started by Charles Stevens, "Some Improvised Anvils", is an image of 2-1/2" diameter post anvil set in a 5 gallon bucket of concrete. for months at a time, all that I could do was to make gravel.

No one can tell by looking at you that there is insufficient Serotonin to operate the cognitive equipment. when the transmission is low on ATF, things stop working.

Rockstar, if your friends, family, or acquaintances saw you standing knee deep in scalding water, you would witness empathy. When said individuals can not see the physical manifestations of your ordeal, it is difficult to bridge that divide.

I have a young friend who is experiencing frightening neurological symptoms, as yet undiagnosed,  and I told him last night, as a stopgap, that I have been practicing being at peace with my Death, which enables me to be productive and proactive with what I currently have to work. 

It is challenging, at best, to turn the "Why Me?" into "Why would it Not be Me?" to, as The Blacksmith might say, forge purpose and utility, from the Mystery Steel that we have been allotted.

Thriving with Depression as best I can,

Robert Taylor

[John in Oly, WA]

Holiday blues. I wish it were just the holiday blues. I have a problem with no solution that I can see. I'm definitely in the "pretending not to see the problem" camp as the only solution. I spend all my free time in my shop working on projects. It helps my brain focus on something else for a time. Don't know what I'd do without my shop and projects. I have an ex. Our divorce was final in 2008. She has been taking me back to court on a constant, continuous basis ever since. By constant, continuous, I mean 10-16 court appearances per year, every year plus all the time spent preparing for the appearances. Every frivolous thing the courts will allow her to file - which is anything, or the same thing over and over, all of it frivolous, some of it damaging, but still have to appear and go through the process to get her motions denied. Court won't stop her from filing. I live on pins and needles wondering what I'm going to be served with next, and when, how to pay the attorney fees (over a quarter of a million so far over the last 10 years). Now she's expanded it from family court to the county superior court and the court of appeals. Three times the difficulty and three times the fees. My attorneys can't come up with any way to stop this. Yes, now it's attorneys -plural. Three. One for each court. My ex is suing my first attorney now as well. Just existing, waiting to get my life back, raising my two boys - 17 and 13 now. Trying to keep focus on my responsibilities keeps me going. I got custody because she was found to be abusing them. She managed to get the court to absolve her of any responsibility for child support somehow too. She hasn't communicated with our boys at al in any way for nearly 6 years. I don't know how that's really affecting them, but it can't be good. I know they're angry at times. My youngest son, when a lady in the grocery store made a general comment to him about his mother liking something she saw us buying, said "my mom is dead". The poor woman was horrified and felt so bad that she'd said anything. I just try to keep a positive attitude and "normal" environment for my kids. No manual for this though, so who knows how well it's going. Get up every day, hope I don't get served with anything and focus on distracting myself from it. It's depressing and stressful beyond anything I could have imagined. Try to find positive things to smile about. This website is one of them. Thanks for letting me rant.

Hope everyone has the best holidays they can, and may all your problems be small and have easy solutions.

[Charles R. Stevens]

not Being  a lawyer I have little to suggest, except if she has visitation, then she is in contempt for not visiting your kids. Most courts see visitation as a child’s right, not the parents. That’s why child support and visitation are not tied. 

The only other thing I can suggest is to embrace the suck, some times “look on the bright side” or “keep a stiff upper lip” makes it worse emotionally. After the appeals court throws her out, counter sue for harassment would think there is plenty of evidence and at least two irritated judges.

[John in Oly, WA]

Thanks Charles for your helpful suggestions. Sorry for hijacking this thread.

She has visitation in the form of therapeutic reunification counseling to repair the damage from her abuse. She refuses to participate. The court made it mandatory and appointed a supervisor to oversee her compliance. She's claiming she can't afford the $98 per session as her excuse for not participating. Maybe she can't. She remains purposefully unemployed and has managed to con some people into supporting her (longer than they planned, I'm sure) so she can focus full time on her obsession with destroying my life. The problem with the visitation is she sees the kids only as a source of income. Her plan all along was to scam me out of everything I own. To her, the kids were just a means to an end - to have custody and have me paying her child support for income. Before the therapeutic visitation was ordered, she had supervised visitation. She only used that to try to get information from the kids she could use against me in court. She was kicked out of visitation every time for violating that rule. So she definitely isn't interested in the more structured/controlled therapeutic visitation. I haven't pressed the issue of visitation, because it's better for the kids that she not have contact with them. She is verbally/psychologically abusive and it would take over a week for the boys to recover from the few supervised visitations she did have with them.

There is no bright side to look on in this situation that I can find. It's complicated and the worst is yet to come. She's working now on suing me for support, including back support - it's an immigration thing and doesn't look good for me and the boys. In the meantime, I distract myself with other aspects of life, and  react to her insanity only when I have to. Not sure how the embrace the suck approach works. Just plodding along, trying to get by and put her in the background as much as I can, but 10 years of continuous harassment is wearing on me. I'll survive it one way or another.

[rockstar.esq]

John,

My heart goes out to you.  I agree with Charles that it seems unlikely that maintaining a stiff upper lip or optimistic outlook would make things better.  You sound like you're doing right by your kids which is big-time important.  I've seen a lot of self-destructive behavior get handed down in families.  I think your struggle to break that pattern for your kids is your legacy to them.  Maybe it would help to see that as the meaning in the suffering?  

I wish you all the best.

 

[Charles R. Stevens]

She has enough $ to pay court fees...

so she claim she can’t pay tor counseling is bogus. I was only considering the leverage you may have to turn the court against her. Sometimes the best defense being a strong offense. 

Being a person who lives with sever mental illness I am an advocate for seeking the services of a masters or higher level therapist sooner than latter. Think of it as “pain management”. 

Well, 10 years of this means the end is site. They are if not teens, pre teens buy now. Remind your kids that they have until they are 20 to sue her for anything you didn’t sue her for, despite stature of limitations...

sorry brother, narcissists are a terrible burden, but we have made a nitch on IFI for those of us who carry pain. Some one will be here to listen. 

 

[John in Oly, WA]

Thanks rockstar. That's one of the things that keeps me going. Working with my kids, teaching them what I can, helping them grow and see the possibilities life has to offer.

Thanks Charles. I think her claim is false also. We're working on what we can with what we've got to work with. Have shot down most of her motions - except her child support being vacated, which the judge erred on big time. No one understands how the judge could have legally ruled the way he did. Hopefully the appeal of that will fix it. Then it's the suing for support to get through. That has the potential to devastate me financially - well, more than this all already has. If I can survive that, then maybe...maybe there will be an end in sight? I've about given up hoping for that. Or the light at the end of the tunnel could be the headlight of another oncoming train. Who knows? Would be nice to just have her deported. One can dream.

[BIGGUNDOCTOR]

My problem is that it has kept me from doing any of my hobbies; smithing, wood carving, leather working, ceramics, shooting.... I had a 4:30 am-8:30 pm (with commuting) work schedule for a job that was sucking the life out of me for 7 years, now I have a job that has too much drama from the top down, then I had my run in with the county, being perpetually single during the holidays doesn't help, etc, etc.......

I am 52 now and need to make some major changes in my life; work, and personal. I know what I would like to do, but getting started with a mortgage hanging over my head doesn't help. I also have a lifetime of regrets that I can't shake. It is all in the past and I can't change any of them now, but they still weigh heavy on me. Maybe it is the fear I will  subconsciously sabotage myself, and repeat my mistakes. 

 

John, too bad you can't just "disappear" and split town. 

[John in Oly, WA]

If I didn't have the kids to raise, I might seriously think about that BigGun.

That work stuff does get to you sometimes. I find myself pondering what I could be doing if I didn't have to work to make the money to pay the bills. Regrets, I know regrets, can't do anything about 'em, but doesn't stop ya from thinking about what you might have/should have done differently - they say you only regret that which you didn't do...or something like that. So, life is short, do it all that you can and minimize the regrets down the road. Sounds good any way, but ya still have to feed yourself. I use my hobbies as an escape, so that draws me to them when I'm feeling down.

Anyway, I hope we can all get these things sorted out, and in the meantime find some good things about the holidays to ease our troubles.

And sometimes I just pick up my guitar and play the blues. That helps a lot - might be just the wallowing in it for a moment gets me my fill of it and helps to be able to then put it aside for a bit.

[Charles R. Stevens]

Well, my crazy butt had desided its time to get back to it. I’m behind on a horse in training. I also was gifted an elliptical and go into ground pounder mode, max incline min resistance for now. Amazing what exercise will do for yor mood. I have a lot ai have to get done, and sitting around worying about Sandy getting back on track isn’t doing it:

I have to fabricate wider legs for the elliptical, an old grunt can rock the dang thing 

[Frosty]

When I first opened this thread I was going to add my little bit of unhappyness or how I deal with depression but holy moly I'm living the life! There's friction between Deb and I, normal there's always friction. The TBI left me with issues, dealing gives me something to do. "Embrace the suck," Thank you for that, will do.

John: I'm no lawyer but if you aren't being maliciously harassed I don't know what the term means. I'm also wondering why you haven't fired those lawyers and gotten one who knows what "Abuse of Process" is. Has she actually harassed the court system to the point they'll give her whatever she wants to get her out of their hair? Isn't that what jails are for? 

Will one of our lawyers tell us something meaningful? I was under the impression extortion and abuse of process for the purpose of extortion were criminal acts, rather than civil. 

Talk to the DA John. I'm afraid you can't lay back and hope she'll go away you're going to have to put on the gloves, or whatever metaphor works, I just ran out. You don't have a choice, you're going to have to go after her. At 17 and 13 the boy's testimony will carry more weight than yours. Have their councilors testify. You have your children's welfare riding on this, it's time to play for blood.

I've seen this kind of thing a couple times she isn't going to go away and if she knows which judges to play she'll be able to screw with you till she can't anymore. Make it so she can't.

Frosty The Lucky.

[rockstar.esq]

Big Gun, John,

I don't know who said it but this seems to apply here.  "The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago, the second-best time is now." 

There are two words that get used like they mean the same thing, accountability, and responsibility.  In fact, there are some big differences.  Accountability is about taking the blame.  Responsibility is about seeing an obligation through. Accountability is a singular property, whereas responsibility can be shared.  That's a bigger deal than it first seems to be because relationships fail.  Taking all the blame for a shared failure isn't honest or productive.

If depression was a virus that didn't want it's host cured, it's going to steer the course away from remedies.  Blaming yourself, or regretting past actions is all accountability,  but no responsibility.  It's honest about one part, but it's dishonest about the whole.  Maybe you did make some choices that ended poorly.  Your life isn't over, so you have opportunity to see your obligations through.  Not making a decision is a choice.  Choosing to be responsible instead of just accountable means you've increased your options.  When everything is terrible, you've got nothing to lose and a direction to work away from.

Chris Rock had a bit about how nobody helped him when his car broke down.  Yet when he got out and pushed it himself, people came to his aid.  I can see a lot of truth in that.  In my experience, the people who stop to help won't look like a professional rescue. 

[BIGGUNDOCTOR]

John, I was thinking that you and the kids just disappear. 

rockstar, your comment reminded me of a song lyric by RUSH. "Even if you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice."  I always remembered it. It is all about perspective, like the famous painting,  This is not a pipe.

One big difference is that I do not have my core group that I had back home. We all ended up in different locations states away from each other. I am having to rebuild that support group in my new hometown. I have done pretty good staying out of debt. My house is the only debt I have, and I am making extra payments to get that over with. I have an opportunity to buy my brothers out on my folks estate, and I could rent that out for some extra income - possibly enough to cover the loan on the estate and my mortgage. Having the mortgage covered would ease my mind enough to jump into a new business venture, and that is my biggest goal, to be self employed again.. I am pretty low maintenance and my monthly expenses are not that much, so it should be doable. The hardest part of starting a business for me is cutting that weekly paycheck off. 

[John in Oly, WA]

BigGun, it's a great thought, but if I disappeared with the kids, then I'd be in hot water with the court.

Frosty, my first lawyer brought up the harassing litigation argument every time. The most the court did was tell my ex that if she continued, they MAY sanction her. They never did. But they did, on several occasions, denied her motions without a hearing as soon as they came across the judge's desk. So I give them a little credit for that. She files complaints or claims of prejudice or bias against any judge that rules against her. Filed complaints against the Guardian Ad Litem. Has filed complaints trying to get my lawyer disbarred. Even started a complaint investigation against our kids' therapist/counselor trying to get her license revoked. My second lawyer is a bit more aggressive, so we're pushing back harder than happened with the first. He's just waiting for the results of the appeal, so he has more to work with. Then we go at it.

[Frosty]

I must not have been clear. I'm not talking about using "abuse of process, etc. as a defense. Abuse of Process for the purposes of extortion" is a CRIME have her prosecuted! GO AFTER HER! Go lean on the DA's desk if you must. It's a public office they CAN NOT deny you the right. Just DO NOT yell, curse, call names, etc. be polite but do NOT back down.

Sorry for yelling s much I'm kind of rattled right now.

Frosty The Lucky.

[John in Oly, WA]

Oh, okay. I'll pursue that and see where it gets me. Thanks Frosty.