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I Forge Iron

just blew up at the love of my life and best friend


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As noted in another thread I have not had business phone service in over two weeks now.  I've been fighting with the computer voice at AT&T with no luck, bought a VOIP phone and service that has a problem "they have never dealt with before" told to get a router and the router is not working because the internet is "unstable" but the internet provider says the internet is fine.  I just got off the phone with the internet company right after the router company.  she drove up to tell me something, I took it as a gripe and blew up. 

Part one of the apology was by text because she refused to answer her phone or tell me where she was so I could go to her.

Off to get part 2 now and take my much deserved lashings  .

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29 minutes ago, natenaaron said:

Part one of the apology was by text because she refused to answer her phone or tell me where she was so I could go to her.

Off to get part 2 now and take my much deserved lashings  .

Please read this from Dr. Aaron Lazare, one of the world's greatest experts on apologies and how they work:

There are up to four parts to an effective apology, though not every apology requires all four parts. They are as follows.

1. A valid acknowledgment of the offense that makes clear who the offender is and who is the offended. The offender must clearly and completely acknowledge the offense.

2. An effective explanation, which shows an offense was neither intentional nor personal, and is unlikely to recur.

3. Expressions of remorse, shame, and humility, which show that the offender recognizes the suffering of the offended.

4. A reparation of some kind, in the form of a real or symbolic compensation for the offender’s transgression. 


An effective apology must also satisfy at least one of seven psychological needs of an offended person.

1. The restoration of dignity in the offended person.

2. The affirmation that both parties have shared values and agree that the harm committed was wrong.

3. Validation that the victim was not responsible for the offense.

4. The assurance that the offended party is safe from a repeat offense.

5. Reparative justice, which occurs when the offended sees the offending party suffer through some type of punishment.

6. Reparation, when the victim receives some form of compensation for his pain.

7. A dialogue that allows the offended parties to express their feelings toward the offenders and even grieve over their losses.

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22 hours ago, natenaaron said:

As noted in another thread I have not had business phone service in over two weeks now.  I've been fighting with the computer voice at AT&T with no luck, bought a VOIP phone and service that has a problem "they have never dealt with before" told to get a router and the router is not working because the internet is "unstable" but the internet provider says the internet is fine.  I just got off the phone with the internet company right after the router company.  she drove up to tell me something, I took it as a gripe and blew up. 

Part one of the apology was by text because she refused to answer her phone or tell me where she was so I could go to her.

Off to get part 2 now and take my much deserved lashings  .

Your willingness to appologize says a lot about your character; take that to heart- Not everyone is as brave as you are. Sometimes these things can form stronger bonds, although its not an easy or fast process. While its never good to have fights or things like this, major props to you for owning up to it and seeking reconciliation with her! 

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I see it has been about 24 hrs since we last heard from Nate one would think he would be out of the ER by now.  If no conversations yet might try a sign around your neck saying  I'm Stupid and I'm sorry and walk up and down in front of the house for all to see.  She might invite you in to keep the neighbors from talking.   

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Having just hung out for a few at Notownkid's CT residence and heard some of his stories I can safely assume that he is an expert at the aforementioned technique...

 

Thanks for the horseshoes Dale!

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Welcome Lou still have a bag full here!  and about 10 in VT,  I never had to try it as when married to first wife we only had on neighbor in a mile and he cared less about any of us.  Now I've learned to speak careful at all times around the little lady. 

Had a former HS classmate did just that and it worked at least getting him back in the house but 25+ years later on their 47th anniversary (three weeks ago) she told him she wanted a divorce now there is a girl who can hold a grudge.

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Wish I'd seen this earlier, might have been able to help from a female perspective.  You knuckleheads.....the WORST, WORST, WORST thing you can do if you xxxx off a woman is let it sit, even for a moment.  Time doesn't heal us, it just festers the wound and your chances of healing it go down exponentially.  Five minutes after the fight we've elaborated on 15 reasons we just KNEW this was what you were like....10 minutes later we've decided on 25 reasons this will never work....    "Strike while the iron is hot" works with us, too.   Men......

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5 hours ago, SpankySmith said:

"Strike while the iron is hot" works with us, too.   Men......

So true SpankySmith, I have found that charging in on my hands and knees and with the tenacity of a bulldog gets me thrown out into the yard quite swiftly. Thank goodness the smithy has a rain cover and a firepot.

Mind you, only rarely do I fope badly enough to ignite this level of conflagration.

After a spell, I will charge in again. Soon enough, I am allowed to stay in the house.

Hang in there, natenaaron.

Robert Taylor

 

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It is easy enugh to make a heart felt oppolagy when you truly love some one, getting them to let you make that oppolagy is the trick. 

I hate to say it Men are from Mars and women are from venus may not be a perfect manual for understanding women (or men for that matter) but if she sees you reading it she will know your trying, and after she reads it (if she hasn't already) you have a basses for a conversation and negotiating ground rules so she dosnt get her feelings hurt when your being what you are, and you don't stick your foot in it when she is being who she is... 

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1 hour ago, Charles R. Stevens said:

Men are from Mars and women are from venus

Interesting thing about that book.  Before we were even married I was told to read it.  I did.  Turns out she didn't.  An elderly friend of hers thought I needed to be tested and manipulated my then hot girl friend (now hot wife) into putting me to the test. 20 years later I still bring up stuff from the book with a sly smile on my face. 

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My mantra has always been "Act upon things, don't react to things".  Sometimes it's a battle to make that happen but the reaction part tends to be a bunch of emotional toxicity that splashes on people we don't mean for it to.  Only the action part leads somewhere more positive.

Now for the touchy-feely Oprah-show part.

The love of my life died of cancer 8 months ago.  Although we never had what one would call "blow ups" with each other, I can certainly see now just how many times I let silly stuff rise to the top.  That stuff was unimportant and I sure wish I had every second of time I wasted being a grump back to spend more wisely:  Just one more dance with my sweetheart instead of that terse grumpy attitude I sometimes tossed at her after a bad day...

 

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might be time to reread it, Nate.

my condolences Kozy, I will certainly keep your advice in mind for my own lovely lady.

with my bag of crazy, I have to constantly check the "emotional meter". As some fool set the gain on about 12.

Am I feeling the proper emotion for the situation? If so is it at the proper level for the situation? It can make any relationship rocky.

Often I'm in the red and the meer thought that Sandy doesn't deserve any of my BS is the bit of extra leverage I need to reset my emotional state. 

Las a result often I seem a bit aloof and unemotional, wile the truth is quite the opposit.  

 

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A few years back, Lisa and I pulled back from the brink. Two kids, more than two decades together, known each other since eighth grade -- it almost went up in smoke. 

It taught me a few things. 

The most important is this:  every single thing you do has the potential to build up a relationship or tear it down. anything that increases understanding, that improves your communication, that accepts responsibility for your mistakes-- these all build up.  Insisting on being right, denying the validity of how the other person feels, closing yourself off to understanding their point of view -- these all tear down. 

If you're going to be stubborn about anything, be stubborn about making it right.

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It hit us all pretty hard and all we could do is offer condolences and prayers.

It made it a LOT easier to overlook all those things Deb does that irritate me, not one is important. Not ONE compared to having her in my life.

Frosty The Lucky.

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