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I Forge Iron

Prayer for my better half


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Charles you and Sandy are in my thoughts and prayers, you know depression kills more than just enthusiasm. While lying in hospital myself I remembered some woods of a poem learnt eons ago in school and completely forgotten till then "Do not go gentle into that good night but rage  , rage against the dying of the light" little understood by me till then yet now my new mantra!

Rage on my friend.

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Thank you, Latticino. The goal is to help her find some peace with her past and how to fetter her demons.

Das, I told her she only has to put up with me for the next 40 years or so ;-) she is a big hearted woman, and thinks I hung the moon (their fro I do not meet a shrink to tell me who is crazy). Certainly makes me want to step up my game and be the man she thinks I am.

thank you Arkie, y'all certainly help. 

Lot true, Ian, thank you. 

Man all to common thread is that you are just "tired" tired of struggling, tired of trying to be normal (highly over rated) trying to fit in (compleat wast of time). In the end your just pysical you and emotionally exhausted and looking for peace. Death seams to be a comforting option. 

For me, knowing that my friends and love ones would feel in their grief the same pain as I do has held me back from the brink. I begin seeing counsellors in the service, and about 2 years after my discharge my father convened me to see a shrink. He started me on lithium (the go to drug at the time for manic depression) to which I reacted poorly. It intensified my mood swings both in frequency and intensity, resulting in an attempted suiside by OD. Luckaly when I called to cancel my counseling appointment they sent PD to do a health and welfare check. 

 near a month (two weeks in overflow and a week and a half up on the main floor) in the county hospital, I was highly motivated to learn to manage my illness ( county sucked). 

Took nearly a year to get my mind wrapped around the fact that it isn't a mater of will power (and I am one stubborn SOB), one can not will ones self better. Spent the next year learning to manage my tormentors, how to suppress my fight/flight reflex when confronted with a situation that agrivates my PTSD (how I hate elevators) to manage stress (and my medication) so as to limit my mood swings, I am a true "loonitic") ad to this ADD, such can be an inability to "filter" all the incoming stimuli, or (as a coping mechanism) such concentrated focus as to exclude all other stimuli. 

I was lucky, my parents had always encoded me, and despite being "smart in class, and dumb on the buss" I got by. When things came apart, well then I got dang good help. Sandy, up to this point has not been so lucky. That has changed.

It's a long road, and I chose not to hide my affliction. If just one I've you seeks help for yourself or your child, the stigma I live with will be worth it. 

 

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My thoughts are with you Charles. Half my immediate family members have had the same problems off and on...the great thing is that the "offs" were really appreciated and easily balanced the downs of the "ons", however protracted. 

Librium and prozac were the order of the day for them a couple of decades ago...I never knew whether they were a good thing long term.

Alan

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Thank you Alan.

lithium is just hard on the body. My cousin has been on it for years and looks older than her mother. 

While prozac (and other serotonin uptake inhibitors) is counter indicated for bipolar illness (the new name for manic depression) as one can fall into "rages" when in the manic phase.

we have had some advances in medicine, understanding and genetics over the last couple of decades. 

My friend, on the behalf of your family, thank you. It is much harder with out love and support. 

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Whoa, I've been out of pocket for awhile, just now seeing this.  Definitely on the prayer list Charles, however belatedly.  I worked at the state mental health facility for nearly a decade, I know the little respect mental health issues get, primarily due to a lack of understanding.  Human nature, that - we fear what we don't understand.  Best of luck, Charles.  Hang in there.  

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Just got of the phone with Sandy. She sounds much better, and likes the staff and other patients. So despite only getting 15 min outside and 15 min phone privileges she won't be "serving hard time". She is a bit park kid that I might not be missing her and/or may stray wile she isn't here to keep an eye on me, but she has been screwed over and suffers from anxiety so that's normal.

Thank you all for your support, and special mention of Glenn and Steve for the phone calls.   

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Update on Sandy. She sounds like her self today. Last night she was a little angery (thankfully not at me) but from what I can gather they arn't interested in anything other than collecting their coin for a 5 day hold. I asked the social worker about an MMPI and had to explains it to her (the Michigan multiple personality inventory is the only comprehensive and reliable diagnostic tool avalable, everything else is best guess). But the good news is they predict her release on Friday.  

And, conveniently I see my shrink tomorrow. Might end up with adjoining rooms... 

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Dang thing ate my response!

If we are dealing with bipolar illness, especially type II, witch is defined as episodes lasting less than 90 days ( I cycle about every 28 days, short episode of mild mania, fallowed but disphoria, then every 84 days I have a major swing). But with out a Michigan Multiple Personality Inventory we can't make a deffenitive diagnosis.   

As of yeat, their are no blood tests for mental health issues, and as mental health issues are defined as a set of symptoms, not as a root cause one can have very different reactions to medication.  

Honestly it's more village shaman rattling his cup and reading the bones, as much of what the rely on is subjective. In any other branch of medicin we would be calling most of these illnesses "syndromes" instead off diseases. As a group of symptoms, with out a defenitive and testable cause is in fact defined as a syndrome.  

Complicates the whole mess. We have the stigma, we have the fear and predudice (acualy very few diagnoses have higher violent crime rates than the norm unless provoked) combine it with the fact that some doctors still fallow Jung or Freudian theory (no not all mental illness stems from sexual frustration, or sexual attraction to ones mother). One has to carefully shop for a good treatment team, and it really dose take a team, how ever informal. 

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I'll be praying for both of you.  Very difficult situation, I have had more exposure to mental illness than i wish.  Personally i believe there should be more stigma attached to the things we have control of rather than those we don't. You have not gone down in my opinion in the least for having this battle, having the guts to talk about it causes my estimation of you to go up.

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Thank you, metal mangler. I believe if sharing my experiance gets one person the help they need, especially a child It's worth it. 

The peaple around here see what I do in the community, they see how I act and treat others, then they compare it to the fear mongering on the evening news.

When your under standing of mental illness is from watching "Psyco", then we  all have problems. 90% of us will suffer from mental Heath issues, drug and alcohol abuse, grief, post pardim depression, puberty, retirement, side effects of steroid use...

they are all lumped in together.    

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I've rattled my brain more times in my life then i care to mention, Including one where i thought i would die or be paralized. as of late I wonder if i dont have an issue. I refuse to get checked and i also refuse to put my loved ones in pain, since i've seen it first hand more times then i should have, so I dont worry too much but I'm battling something. Theres reasons for me not seeking any help, but I feel for you guys and gals that deal with these issues. Charles, you described it pretty well. It's horrible when i wake up and dont have an explination for my actions. feel like the more i get to know someone, the worse I am sometimes. so I seem to drive people away and avoid contact for the most part. At very least social anxiety.

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Das, unless you can sho me proof that they will euthanize you for suffering from multiple concussions (got a budy that should wear a helmet just to go to the barroom, last time he dropped a truck on his head). I see no reason you shouldn't seek help, have you seen the research into repeated concussions among football players? Medication is one tool, but they have occupational as well as psychological theropy that can help. Not saying you will be the life of the party, heck if I wasn't a gamer and good at "playing" myself (don't even go there) I would be a hermit too. 

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 I understand your message haha. I have found some outlets and friends that support me as well as my family. The good ones wont let me escape that easy. :)  I cant say drugs dont help but I've seen as much harm as good in my day with em. mental health is the trickiest of demons. I've had some close calls before. sometimes I wonder if we dont all feel some sort of depression as a result of the world around us. just found out a couple weeks ago that a friend of mine that is healthy, fit,exercises alot and eats right is on medication for mental health issues. I was really surprised at that since i think i'm more messed up then him lol. sometimes I think the hardest part of my life is just getting out of bed. Thank God i'm good at what I do for a living and they value me as an employee as i'm usually late for work. if i dont just sleep though the blasting of 3 alarm clocks, i'm atleast good at playing whack-a-mole with em. I tell myself often "tomorrow I'm going to quit smoking", or drinking, even get up on time, but it never happens. Most of the time I love life so much and cherish every moment but there are times i just dont care if i'd blink out. what saves me is that I've seen the pain from loved ones (including myself) losing someone they loved to suicide(or drugs). I could never do that to anyone i care about. and besides tomorrow might just be the most beautiful day of my life. :) wouldnt wanna miss it. Too much to do, learn and experience.

after contemplating deleting this, I think it's better to just put it out there. 

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My prayers are with you both.

My wife was very ill some years ago and still as to control her thoughts ,Now the happy times are long and the bad times short .

What help her was reading Claire Weekes, I also read it and would read it to her through the bad times when she could not read it herself

She was also admitted to hospital .

But through the book, a psychiatric nurse and me, is now  living again.

I feel your pain  

lord hear our prayers

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Want to talk about concussion? I woke up 3 1/2 weeks later in a hospital after my last one. Everybody has issues, some have issues that effect their ability to function, some live at all. We all deal or don't.

I have no great words of wisdom other than talk to people. Just airing problems lightens them and you never know somebody might have a trick that'll work for you. I discovered a trick that breaks me out of my depressions, I go to a mall, shopping center, etc. and just randomly smile at and help people. There are times I can only pretend to smile but some kind soul will smile back and the weight lifts and the next smile comes easier. Soon I'm feeling good and I can make other people feel good just by smiling at them. Holding a door, helping load lumber, taking a cart back. Nothing big just little things to help folk makes ME feel better.

It almost always works for me.

On those days I'm really feeling down the dogs and cats won't leave me alone they pester me till I'm okay.

Frosty The Lucky.

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Charles, I'm glad she's doing better. We're still hangin in there with you.

I don't like the dr messing with my brain chemistry with drugs. I was diagnosed with ptsd and depression when I came home from Iraq and was put on medication. I went from being depressed and edgy to angry with a short fuse and had a couple 'violent' outbursts when rage built up and things went flying. I quit those mess when th VA decided that there was nothing wrong with them. Last time I went for help (about 6 months ago) they give me some different meds one for sleep and one for 'nervousness.' I slept almost 24 hours after the first dose and spent the next week in a fog before I quit taking those.

Prescribed drugs can be very beneficial for some people but my experiences make it hard for me to trust Drs to give me the right stuff. I've seen plenty of people helped by having the right meds, I'm just too impatient to try ray a bunch of different things and just hope to land on the right combination and dosages.

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Thank you, blue I'll look up that book.

medication is tricky, and if the VA is anything like the Army you see different doc every visit. That doesn't work well for medical problems, it certainly is bad juju for mental and neurological ones. 

Medication isn't usually a magic bullet, it gives you room to breath. For those like me with hard to manage illnesses trying to medicate the symptoms away dosnt work, as the side effects are almost worse than what we are used to living with. Now understand medication is about 50% effective, that is it either helps half the peaple or it help with half the probblem, lol. And seeing a masters of PH.D. Level counselor is about 50% effective. Combined they are over 80% efective. 

The rub is that it's hard to find a good shrink, I have had two excellent ones, an average one and I've fired 4. Once we have a good witch doctor (inside joke, please if you are psychiatrist don't take offense) you now get to experiment with medication to find what works for you. For years I took sub therapeutic dosses of Depekot. About 2/3 the recommended dose. Couldn't tolerate the generic as it made sick. If I took to much, or my stress level got to high I was started suffering from dementia. But I couldn't tolerate anything else. It was a few years before Wellbutrin came out and I count tolerate it, but only in the Am, then the extended release stuff came out and I can take it in the am and still sleep. Now I take gabbapentin instead of the Depekot and don't have the side effects, but I still can't tolerate the new "good stuff" fact is finding the right medication is hard, and you risk having a reaction and going off the deep end. As a consumer I think most of the "good stuff" would be tried only in a clinical setting. Yes it sucks to spend a week and a half in a psychiatric ward, but the can monitor your reaction to the medication and change or adjust it. No worries about flying in to a rage (Prozac came a haired breath from getting a life sentence for beating a service writer to death) and hurting some one, or having the opposit effect and sending you down (lithium put me in the hospital the first time)    

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