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K. Bryan Morgan

Laugh till crying

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Pocket Taser Stun Gun a great gift for the wife

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt! all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . .

XXXX XXXXXX XX XXX ...WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE XXXX!!! I........... ......

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered
conservative .
XXX XX X XXXXX THAT HURT LIKE XXXX!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I XXXX myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid'.

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Folks around here call that 'riding the lightining'
My brother had to go thru that as part of his police training.

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To quote the 'Cable Guy' "Now that there is funning, I don't care who you are!"
It's one of those things that as you read it you keep saying to yourself out loud "DON'T DO IT!!"
You can fix dumb, but Stupid...just ain't no fixin' that!
Thanks.... as I wipe the tears from my eyes...

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Wow I started reading this to my wife but got to laughing so hard I couldn't read. She tried to read but started laughing so I had to start again. Great story. Glad you didn't zap that poor little cat. Thanks for sharing.

BTR

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Im no PETA person not really evan a cat person but i was getting a little worried there for a minute. good times.

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in 8th grade my friend told me how you could make a taser out of a disposable camera, i didn't really believe him, so on a field trip a few weeks he showed me. well i didn't realise that there was a capicitor that was used to charge the flash. the 2 double-a batteries pack a punch like a mike tyson. he tased me in the friggen leg on a crowded school bus, and you wouldv'e thought i had been stabbed in the eye. and my excuse, you ask? i don't remember, but the shapperone believed it and my friend and i got away scott free. the lesson? well... i don't think there is one, accept maybe that if you don't believe that something is a taser have them show you by zapping someone else. :D

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There are three types of people in this world:

Those who can learn from hearing about the experience of others.

Those who can learn from seeing the experience of others.

Those who have to pee on the electric fence themselves....

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Yes Laughed and cried…
Scared me a little as I could almost see me sitting in that chair
Boys and Toys !

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Thomas,

I was told the three types of people are;
1-People who make things happen
2-People who watch things happen
3-People who wonder what just happened

I have since added a 4th type;People who keep things from happening.
The 4th type mostly form up into committees such as the dreaded HOAs and such.

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Thomas,

I was told the three types of people are;
1-People who make things happen
2-People who watch things happen
3-People who wonder what just happened

I have since added a 4th type;People who keep things from happening.
The 4th type mostly form up into committees such as the dreaded HOAs and such.



Or
there are three types of people
those that can count
those that can't count

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Sounds like some people I grew up with... and me... It occurs to me that I would do the same thing... to make sure it works .... but from this story... I might lay on the floor first.

and yes I know there is no cure for stupid...

but the description is making laugh my butt off!
Cliff

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