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I Forge Iron

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I have all of these tools and they work exactly as described. I'm sure there others that can be included in this list

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine used to propel metal stock from the hands into the chest and the beer across the room, spraying the freshly-painted project carefully set in the corner to protect the wet finish.

WIRE WHEEL: Creates a single bright spot on metal before throwing it under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes to say, 'Oh sh –‘

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs and other boards too short.

PLIERS: Used to begin the process of rounding bolt heads. Also used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle of transforming human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion. The greater the effort to influence its course the more unpredictable the outcome.

VISE-GRIPS: A finishing tool. It is the second and last tool used in the process of rounding bolt heads. Also one of several gripping tools used to apply welding and cutting heat to the palm of the hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in the shop. It is particularly useful for igniting axle grease while removing a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles to test wall integrity.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to break vacuum seals under lids or to open motor oil cans, the easier to splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. It is often used to create non-removable slotted screws and painful palm blisters.

PRY BAR: A tool used to cause $50.00 damage to replace a $.50 part.

HOSE CUTTER: A scissor-like tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer now is used as a divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object to be hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.It is especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while while being worn.

SON OF A XXXXX TOOL: Any handy tool which can be thrown across the shop while yelling 'Son of a xxxxx'! . It is also the next tool needed in the project.

Feel free to add to the list.

Bill

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Cut-off saw - specifically designed to throw hot metal and sparks into walls in such a way as to provide fun and entertainment to the local fire company.

Lathe - used to remove clothing when one is in a hurry and to draw the user into a more intimate relationship and proximity with his/her equipment.

Angel Grinder - primary purpose is to project hot slivers of metal into unprotected eyeballs with sufficient force so as to allow its operator to meet people in the medical profession. :D

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Chain Saw: Normally found in a woodland setting, although occasionally found in a more urban or shop like area, this tool was developed for the quick removal of wood and flesh, especially of the lower limbs.

Spud Bar: Used for the maipulation of stubborn materials, and the securing of implanted posts, the source of many an impromptu dance and swearing session.

Claw Hammer: Useful in the removal of nails and other such materials, although when used improperly they begin to show a true calling of smashing noses as they slip off of nails.

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Work Bench: A large planar surface mounted on rickety legs (one normally uneven no matter how many shims are put under the other three), designed and used to collect large amounts of stuff, also a local nexus point for wormholes in space, specifically attracted to small tools and pencils (I know I just set that d#$@ thing right here!) returning them after its intended use is over or a replacement is found. Reputed to have a surface somewhere under all that stuff.

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Center Punch : a small punch used to create small craters in metal, so drill bits can dance around the rim, causing the user to punch again, until the tip is dull, then having to regrind the tip, and repunch the crater deeper.

This tool is also a master of disguise and specialist at workshop "hide and seek", they ALL come out when a new Center Punch is purchased to greet the newcomer, only to hide again after the "new guy" joins in the game and hide with them. They prefer dark crevases under benches or in any crack suitable to hide them. They do have the ability to fly to these crevases when struck with a hammer.

Edited by unkle spike
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Tape measure: Used to measure once and cut, and measure twice and cut three times. Never to be found where you assume, usually hiding with center punches and pencils and surfacing just long enough to cause another inaccurate cut.

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SCRATCH AWL: A pointed metal marker quickly found in a cluttered tool drawer by pain under a finger nail. It is often used as the "Son of a XXXXX" tool.

DIVIDERS: A measurement transferring device found in a cluttered tool drawer even more quickly than a scratch awl.

STEEL SQUARE: Two pieces of flat steel stock joined at an apex angle other than 90 degrees.

Edited by wedwards
correct terminology
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The anvil, a large mass of metal that gets too cold in the winter, sweaty and rusty in the summer, certain to catch your thigh when you are hurrying on the way by. The perfect surface for catching your finger between the hammer and itself, known to propogate offspring to the financial detriment of it's owner. Generally big enough for any job, but has the effect of appearing to small so that the owner will search for a larger one, again to his financial detriment.

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Files- flat carbon steel tools covered in tiny teeth designed to fill up with crap and gouge your workpiece.

Drill bits- used to make a hole halfway through something, then break forcing you to start all over again.

Taps- made specifically to ruin the inside of a good hole before breaking off and forcing you to start all over again in this respect i is closely related to he drill bit.

Vernier Calipers- Very handy tools that show you how far past the line you cut so you can throw that piece in the scrap pile nd start all over.

Hold down tool- designed to sit in the pritchel hole of your anvil and never hold anything because you put oil on it, again, and now it wont hold anything, also serves the purpose of slipping out from under your hammer so you hit your workpiece fingers or anvil face.

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Blacksmith - Comes in two genders and available in a variety of sizes.
Caution should be taken that when new, it has a tendency to attract itself to the most complicated and difficult to complete projects (preferred model of scrap yard owners).

After years of use, various parts will begin to fail - this defect can only be compensated for by bull-headed determination to injure itself further. Also the finest performer of the Son of a XXXXX dance.

Please note, the primary function of all models of blacksmith is to be a tool to all other tools listed above . . .

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HOT PUNCH - Likes creating a surface line instead of a straight hole. Increases chances of broken fingers by 99%. When hit, it tends to bounce out of your grip and be attracted to unprotected areas on the user's body (I. E. into boots, face, down your apron, between toes, in hair ).

"BIGGER THAT YOUR HOLE" HARDY - It' a permanent addition to your anvil now! Work around it.

NON SECURED CABLING - Dog's chew toy/ Rat killer if left on.

VASELINE - Aromatherapy incense. It always gets into the hot places, and into the places that shouldn't slide.

HAMMER RACKS - Handy in a workshop but most seem to either not let go of a needed tool, or just let one drop when you walk by. Be good to the hammer rack and it won;t stalk and hurt you.

ASH BUCKET - Holds your ashes and some nasty surprises if you have cats. Tends to succumb to the gravitational pull of your foot.

ANVIL - Storage surface for ignorant family memebers when shop is not in use. When in use, it slowly tries to make a run for it.

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  • 1 month later...

GLOVE: Leather hand coverings that let you hold on to hot objects much longer than you thought possible causing a strange dance when the discovery that you should have let go 30 seconds ago dawns on you. Works best when gloves are sweaty insuring a nice steam burn as a memento.

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BENCH VISE: A device used to remove unnecessary skin from the knuckles while operating a hacksaw.

SLACK TUB: A vessel of water used to trick you into thinking something is not hot anymore. Also used for cracking high carbon steel and warping knife blades.

COAL FORGE: Just another name for a high-temperature incinerator, commonly used to burn up projects just before completion.

CLAW HAMMER: The preferred tool for removing fingernails from your non-dominant hand.

JEWELER'S SAW: A tool used to securely hold small saw blades while you snap them in half.

BUFFER: A tool used to regularly test the operator's reaction time. It is also used to hide pieces of jewelry, so that you've got something to look forward to next time you clean the shop.

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