Copyright 2002 - 2007 IFORGEIRON, All rights reserved.
S0019 Cutting Trees
By Glenn Conner
Most are taken from actual events and actual trees being cut.
The following pearls of wisdom apply to cutting trees.
If a neighbor asks you to cut a tree, no matter how easy it looks, say no. No matter how smart your dog is, do not let him go with you to cut down a tree. When you calculate the length of the tree and where it is going to fall, always add 1/3 more length to the measurement. Always top off the chain saw gas tank before starting to cut the tree. Find the path to run away from the falling tree BEFORE you start to cut. Make sure the path you select does not have small roller bearing limbs in the path, or high hurtle obsticals across the path. Once the tree starts to snap and pop, the tree IS falling. You can run faster without the chain saw in your hand. A dog will stand 1000 yards off to the side of a tree being cut. But they will insist on final inspection of the direction of fall by standing on the fall line and sizing up the situation. Once the snapping and popping starts and the tree actually STARTS to fall, only then will the dog will run - not to the side - but the length of the tree along the fall line with enough speed to overtake and pass a cheeta.
Don't assume that because you told the neighbors wife not to use the road, she told her husband the same thing. It is not proper to test the brakes on the neighbors car, that drove around the orange cones, by having a dog dash across the road in front of his car doing very close to warp 9, immediately followed by a cheeta, and then a tree dropping in front of his hood orniment. Ear plugs make visual signals seem much more humorous than they were intended to be. Do not think of these visual signals as if they are a silent movie. Just because you have "good" neighbors since the first day you moved in, don't assume the relationship must or will continue for any longer than - - say yesterday. It is better to cut a hole in the fallen tree the size for a car to pass then to cut up the entire tree. The road can be unused for months, but as soon as the tree is across the road, it becomes a major highway for traffic. A simple thing like a loaf of bread and a 6 pack from the grocery is very important to some people, and can constitute an emergency in order to have the road cleared so they can pass. When under duress to use a chain saw in an "emergency situation," 10 minutes can seem like 10 days before there are any tangable results. Do not use the truck to drag limbs down the road to another location. Cut a hole in the middle of the tree, the size a car can easily pass through. When the neighbor declares an emergency and MUST get to town (on April 15 when you cut the tree) allow him to pass uninpeded. When he returns from filing his IRS tax return at the post office, do not remind him that today is April 15, the post office does NOT close at 5:00 pm sharp, but stays open to midnight or after for those running late and still trying to get the tax return in before the deadline. Do not ask how large a tax refund he is getting this year. Try to remember it is not your fault that with his new job title and the overtime, it put him two tax brackets higher, and he now owes the IRS most of his overtime pay. Do not ask if that was the same overtime pay he used to purchase his new bass boat. Do not mention the "case" of beer under his arm looks "really good" or now thirsty you are now that you finished cutting the tree, and stacking all the wood. Do not let the neighbor see you insert your ear plugs as he gives you visual signals that are much more humorous than they were intended to be.
Always block any road with an object that can NOT be moved. Orange cones won't work.Remember: Chain saws are for "personal use only" and are NOT to be used to help neighbors. Well maybe if the neighbor agrees to be a flagman on the road crew, and promises not to laugh.
Do not underestimate the aerodynamics or range of a beer can. Do not thank the neighbor for offering you the beer via air mail unless you have all your tools gathered up and are ready to leave.
Edited by Glenn